Q & A

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Vyuz aviation expert sounds off on reader questions

By Rob Potochnik

January 2, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while filling in for a gate attendant at Lindbergh.

Why do pilots announce the cruising altitude? Who gives a @$#%? Bus drivers don't announce the speed they're going to be driving at.

Great point. Personally, some people I know do not say anything anymore. After all the pay cuts some pilots do the same as the passengers, i.e., AS LITTLE AS THEY CAN. This means not flying around bumpy weather and not deviating from turbulence. So, at this point in time, with passengers only caring about cost, you pay for what you get. Live with it or take the bus!

I'd like to sell Karl Strauss beer on your flights to and from San Diego. If I brought a pony keg of beer on a flight, would they allow it as carry-on? Would I be allowed to serve beer from my seat? What's the FAA's stance on this?

The FAA does not care—it’s the airline that cares. They want the cash from the beer. If you put your hooch in a paper bag, smuggle it in, and dole it out secretly, you’ll be fine. If you’re caught, remember this: Airlines will almost NEVER take you to court, even if you catch the garbage can on fire. They are run by spineless executives not taking care of safety.

Whenever I'm getting off the plane, the pilots are always standing outside the cockpit watching me. I never know what to say to them. I don't feel like saying thanks, because, frankly, I have nothing to thank them for. Your thoughts?

Thank them for going around clouds and turbulence and making a landing on a small piece of land at 170 miles an hour. You also might want to thank them for not showing up after drinking, as you can at your job, being there on time after seven time zones with minimum sleep, and so on. If you are so stupid as to not know what to say to such a person, you should take a bus. Also, keep in mind that we’re standing there to check out the babes, not you.

I'd like to buy one of those inflatable chutes used in crashes for my kids to play on. Any idea where I can get one?

Call the airline and ask for ones they might be throwing away. Tall them you are a charity, so they can write it off as a donation. You can use them as a slippy slide by adding water. Enjoy!

Are pilots superstitious at all? You guys have any rituals or hang-ups?

Yes. We do not fly when we’re sick, when Santa is in the air, when the sun is on our right side, the sun is in our eyes or when passengers ask stupid questions.

Have you ever had pilots who were passengers, who critiqued your flying? If so, what did they say? How did you respond?

Yes. They said they appreciated the ride and like us a lot. They also bring us candy, cookies and cakes. They help us with our canes and walkers getting off the plane and escort us to the next flight if our eyesight is poor. We like them!

If Duke Cunningham wanted to be a pilot for you guys, would he be able to get a job? Why or why not?

Yes, at Jet blue, or another scab airline. He likes to take chances, so fly with him if you are cheap and don’t want to live long.

Because San Diego women are so hot, why don't airlines advertise heavily for flight attendants in the area? I've never seen an ad in any of the local papers.

They should. Hawaii is another hot spot as well as Fiji and Brazil. I think a Vyuz survey of the hottest flight attendants should commence immediately. The judges can be readers whose names have been picked out of a hat.

Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline with gate attendants who try to look really important. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.