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Commentary Time for a good spanking...or public humiliation By April Labine-Katko December 12, 2005 San Diego--If there is one reason why I’ve decided to opt out of motherhood, it is the horrors I’ve witnessed in the store check-out line at the merciless hands of children. You’ve probably seen it—the red-faced screaming and the brutal ferocity with which these children throw themselves on the floor. The mother usually looks on blankly, silently enjoying a lovely cocktail within the impenetrable tranquility of her mindspace (a place where she is single and motherless and relishing a massage at the hands of a mute hard-body with caramel-colored flesh). Meanwhile, innocent onlookers endure the outburst, secretly praying that their tiny tormentor will suffer prompt karmic retribution. But, they know that at most he will be punished with a time-out and a candy bar. And Junior, realizing the success of his outbursts, will find himself throwing those same tantrums a decade later, two decades later and well into old age. His strategy may become more sophisticated, but the routine will remain the same.
(Illustration: Chris Katko) Flogging a screaming child in the supermarket aisle has long been frowned upon. Modern parenting, in fact, demands that you take your cues from a Dr. Phil type—some talking head whose ability to persuade you of your incompetence as a parent, and as a human being in general, assures him or her that the money will keep rolling in. Pacified parents believe in these inadequacy peddlers, and follow their recipes for healthy families. If people had any faith in their own ability to cope with reality, the self-help industry would have collapsed. But, evidently, people are no longer capable of helping themselves. With a generation of children being raised by parents who seek a higher authority to instruct them, who are children expected to look to for guidance when they need it? Either they’ll buy the self-imposed shame racket or they’ll look for someone who can fulfill a position of authority. Children are no longer able to regard their parents as authority figures because their parents don’t recognize it in themselves. Weak-handed disciplinary measures offer no discipline at all, and every day we observe children who would profit from a swift smack on the ass. But, parents generally just stand by looking dumb and watching as their precious gems wreak havoc around them. One day Junior will make one neurotic woman a very medicated bride. It was really only a matter of time before a compromise was reached between parental docility and corporal punishment. Welcome the subtle and effective tactics of public humiliation. For those who have yet to hear about this phenomenon, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Take a bad behavior and force the perpetrator to publicly announce his or her wrongdoings. The real beauty of this method is that there are no age limitations. This sort of punishment can be arranged for the disobedient of all ages. An Oklahoma mom saw the infinite value of public embarrassment when she had her misbehaving teenaged daughter stand out on the streets wearing an advertisement stating “I don’t do my homework and I act up in school—will work for food.” Mom has been criticized for her actions, but she claims that the girl’s grades have since improved. Hooray for mom! Even the Supreme Court is embracing this new tactic. After a man convicted of stealing mail appealed to relieve himself of “cruel and unusual” punishment, the court upheld the decision. The San Francisco bad boy was forced to stand in front of a post office for 100 hours, donning a sandwich board reading “I have stolen mail. This is my punishment.” This could truly revolutionize law enforcement as we know it. The reality is that children must be taught that behaving like little assholes will have unpleasant consequences. Otherwise, they will grow up to be big assholes and you will release them into a world significantly less tolerant than mother’s peaceful sanctuary. There, they will receive punishment long overdue and all because you were incapable of preparing your child for the real world that you, yourself, are completely unprepared for.----------------- Born and raised in a Northern Ontario mining town, April's hockey career was cut short when it was evident that she could not skate. It has been downhill ever since. Suggested Vyuz reading... Happy inoffensive, politically correct, multi-cultural holidays! | By April Labine-Katko Traveling fine art exhibit hits southern U.S. border | By April Labine-Katko Village Voice plus New Times equals no alternative | By April Labine-Katko Mother knows best | By April Labine-Katko Delete the deleters | By April Labine-Katko At Balboa Park, security protects public from dogs being dogs | By April Labine-Katko A serial networker walks among us | By April Labine-Katko Confessions of an ex-troll | By April Labine-Katko |
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