As a front-line defender of the classics, I would see to it that these titles were never available for their assignments. One day those children would remember me with grateful tears, knowing that without my stubborn perseverance, they would never have been able to read their game strategy guides.

These days, people await the latest game system debut with the anticipation of a bored cult-leader frantic for Armageddon. Gamers stood in line for up to 12 hours for the chance to clutch the Xbox 360 in their twitching fingers—young boys and grown men wringing their calloused hands with crazed, hungry looks in their eyes. At a Maryland Wal-Mart a few tantrums ensued when it was evident that the systems would be sold on a first-come, first-serve basis.

The two-dimensional heroes were insufficiently trained for the race to the electronics department in this three-dimensional world, and in all the excitement, some people were trampled. It took more than ten officers to restore order.

Apparently the coveted systems were going for up to $3000 on eBay. Presumably, impatient gamers couldn’t face another week in the have-not abyss. Luckily, there were no girlfriends to spend money on this Christmas, so the funds were available for such a crisis. Surely such a faithful companion is worth three grand.

Upon a recent visit to the public library, I was pleased to see several children taking advantage of all the centuries of knowledge at their disposal. But, all illusions were shattered when I realized that they were riveted to computer screens and playing on-line games, pausing only to engage other gamer children in game-related prattle. I’d heard the same conversation among adults engrossed in serious discussion about the levels they’ve passed. It was as though they were sharing a genuine life experience, like they’d overcome one of life’s great hurdles.

Since gamers are actually convinced they’re experiencing something when they play a video game, The National Guard figures it shouldn’t be hard to lure them to the front line. So, The Guard started advertising on pizza boxes and offering free MP3 downloads and video games—in effect, a trail of M&Ms from the TV to the recruiting office. It seems like a natural progression, really. Finally, the two-dimensional heroes can utilize their skills against three-dimensional targets. The Armed Forces have probably been funding video game manufacturers since the Atari days. You couldn’t dream up a more cost-effective training device.

Though technology has been successful in filling the void for those who loathe their own company, it does come with its inherent dangers. Recently, a girl from Des Moines learned that the higher levels of her game included a bonus grand-mal seizure. Mom was a bit shocked when she found her little gamer frothing at the mouth and flopping around after a five-hour video game marathon.