One can only imagine what depravity transpired under that blessed roof while God peered down from his heavenly barcalounger, shaking his mighty head in abject disgust. What heathen act had Bork witnessed, forcing him to point his finger in judgment? Had the girls been holding hands in the lunch line, gazing amorously into each others eyes? Had they been practicing the art of cunnilingus in the computer lab, and via Web cam, broadcasting it for their lucrative lesbian Lutheran Web site?

What vile acts had these harlots committed? Well, if you’re looking for hot, lusty school girls gently guiding one another down the splendorous path to Lesbos, you’ll have to stick to the Catholic schools. Officials at this Lutheran school admit that they haven’t even seen the alleged lesbians touch each other. Bork, the paranoid principal, evidently also an authority on covert lesbian behavior, reached his brilliant conclusions through what could only have been a psychic epiphany.

Perhaps he switched to decaf that morning and it strengthened his gaydar. We may never know what gave him his superhuman gifts of perception. Whatever evidence supported his decision, it was far less tangible than any touchy-feeliness; and with a great amount of certainty and righteousness, Bork remarked that the girls’ relationship was not normal but “more characteristic of a lesbian.”

After sensing that the girls at least wanted to touch each other, Bork called them into his office for some old-fashioned Christian interrogation. Perhaps he was hoping for some steamy details to juice up his evening prayers. At the very least, he managed to secure a confession. One of the shameless hussies admitted to loving her friend.

Why, Christ himself must have reeled. It must have taken everything He had to keep His bagel and Philly down.

One can only admire Bork for taking proactive steps immediately after the hideous truth was revealed. Had the Sodomites remained, they may very well have infected the whole campus with their dirty, unwholesome love. Next he’d have an epidemic of same-sex students engaging in friendly conversation and showing genuine interest in each other’s lives. It’s only one step away from homosexual orgies, drag queen lunch ladies, and gay marriages at the school dance.

Well, our lesbian Lutheran poster girls are responding to traditional religious paranoia in a traditionally American way. They’re filing a lawsuit for invasion of privacy and discrimination, seeking damages, re-enrollment and an injunction barring the school from excluding gays and lesbians. Should the girls win the suit, the heterosexuality of Bork’s school may be at risk. He may very well end up with real lesbians in attendance.

Foolish Bork, He should have looked to Jesus for guidance. After all, the big J hung out with 12 dudes who worshipped the ground he walked on. There was plenty of touchy-feeliness going on there. Really, who can say what those wacky Disciples were up to when they weren’t preaching the Word of God. The desert can get very cold and lonely. And if it’s good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for Bork.