By Doobie Howser

January 23, 2006

Ocean Beach--As anyone who has lived in San Diego for more than five minutes knows Ocean Beach is the hippie haven; a place where would be flower children can come and truly become blooming idiots.

No wonder it is a stoner’s haven where old hippies and young burn outs can unite for one single purpose: To beg for change.

How prevalent is the wacky weed in Ocean Beach? Well, based on an experiment conducted by a Vyuz writer who has a prescription for medical marijuana, the answer is VERY!

--letting us into their house so we could use their bong.

--handing over a pipe.

--pointing us to a neighbor with a hookah.

--offering rolling papers and a lighter.

--going to the kitchen to core out an apple. (This happened twice.)

--poking a few holes in a Budweiser can.

--handing us an already lit joint. (This also happened twice.)

One person DID respond negatively. “Damn! I got to go to work. Can you wait until I get back from driving the school bus?”

With all that weed, it’s no wonder some people compare it to Amsterdam. As someone who has been to both OB and Amsterdam, I wouldn’t compare the cities. Amsterdam has canals while OB has badly damaged pipes that simply flood the streets.

Plus, Amsterdam does have liberal drug laws but also a very literal society. When I lived in OB, I was called a genius because I read two newspapers a day. Since one of them is USA Today, I don’t think that counts.

If you are a stoner who is looking to smoke out, OB is a pretty good place. Not only are there at least two bong shops but there’s a bead store, two natural food places, a tattoo parlor and a decent amount of bars.

Plus, marijuana is fairly easy to obtain if you are a cute woman or know a cute woman who is willing to flirt with mentally challenged dirtbags for you. If you are a guy, you can probably get good weed if you stay around at least a week.

If you do visit OB, be aware of a few things.

This is because OB still worships the ground underneath Jerry Garcia’s stomach. I remember playing a Ventures album at a friend’s house and a dirty hippie chick begging for change asked me, “What Dead album is that from?”

“Uh, it’s not the Dead.”

“Oh. Well it should be.”

You can’t refer to any of the merchandise as bongs or mention any slang word related to marijuana. If you want to get a cheap laugh, stand in front of the door and “bong bong bong” and then jump inside quietly. Then jump out and say “bong bong bong.” Or you can tell your friend, “We’d best be leaving soon. I need a pot ….of coffee.”

A big seller here is the “Tweakers Suck” sticker and it’s because a lot of dopeheads also use crystal meth. Some of them believe putting a “Tweakers Suck” sticker on their apartment will protect them from the cops because the police will see it and say, “Let’s go, boys. There’s nothing here. These folks are law abiding citizens.”

--If you are really baked, there are at least four restaurants serving rolled tacos.

--Sunset Cliffs is a good place to go when stoned but there’s always some idiot who is playing guitar and tries to pretend he doesn’t know you’re there when he suddenly starts singing louder.

--Crystal and Sid are slang words for meth and LSD, not two bartenders at the Sunshine Company.

Now I know that I just made a homeless joke but the real joke about OB is that some of the people who’ve lived there longest are bums, derelicts, winos and drunks who have no fixed address but have stuck in OB since the Carter administration.

--Finally, you might feel it’s good karma to give change to homeless kids but feel free to ignore them if they say things like, ``Can I borrow a dollar so I can get anti-septic for my new belly ring?’’

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