Rob the Pilot

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Aviation expert answers more inane questions

By Rob Potochnik

February 6, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while getting treated for acrophobia at an herbal clinic in Tijuana.

Have you ever heard of any near misses over San Diego?

First of all, you usually don’t hear of a near miss—you just see one. Secondly, San Diego is such a wonderful place no one would think of causing such a racket in paradise.

How far out do you make contact with the control tower at SAN? What do you say?

Usually about 5-10 miles out, depending on the time of day. We say things like, “Two slices pepperoni with cheese,” or “Burgers, fries, chips.” They in return usually say, “No chips, just fries.” We then say, “Chips.” They say, “NO CHIPS.” We then land and go home.

Is it okay to use the plane bathroom while passengers are boarding the plane? Do I have to ask for permission?

Yes, you can use the bathroom while boarding. Keep in mind that when the aircraft door closes, the pilots can not move the aircraft until you get out—meaning you are keeping everyone with tight connections from getting to their flights.

Are there any second jobs that commercial pilots are forbidden to take--say, a male stripper, or a columnist for "High Times?”

Some hobbies are prohibited. Pilots can not scuba dive within 48 hours prior to flying or 72 hours prior to giving blood. Having said that, pilots can be strippers and I’m told some flight attendants do work the red light district in Amsterdam.

Also, we can’t parade around in a bunny suit screaming, “You stole my carrots!” or dress like an Irish beer wench (unless we are carrying real Guinness). Most of all we cannot wear a mask in the character of George Bush, only because this attracts flies.

Do pilots ever play practical jokes on each other,...say, jury rig the landing gear on April Fool's Day,...that sort of thing?

Yes, this is our secret, only between you and me. To start with we, put super glue on all the seats of the passengers we don’t like. Then we stick gum on the toilet seats so the seats don’t go up for the ladies. Furthermore, we get the inside of the plane real cold and have the flight attendant smack each passenger on the head to see if they crack down the middle like a frozen chocolate rabbit.

What are some common reasons pilots get fired?

Being too honest to the passengers. Management tells us not to tell our passengers when our aircraft is taken and replaced with a broken one, thus canceling OUR flight. Or when we are flying, they do not want us to say “broken clouds,” which may confuse passengers who think some clouds are broken while others operate just fine.

We cannot honestly answer a question about our CEO’s pay if asked directly or say how much his bonus is, even if we are loosing money at a profuse rate. We can say, “Have a nice day,” and “Hope to see you again,” as if we will remember any of you EVER again.

Don’t take this personally, though. How many fans do the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders remember after a game?

I'm a 37-year-old male, but I'd like to sit on the pilot's lap and play with the controls next time I take a flight. Could you help set this up for me?

Yep, sure can. First you must do what some pilots have done. Step one, get examined by a shrink. Step two, put your request in writing at least 12 years in advance. Step three, wait patiently until you number is called. That’s It! See you in the cockpit.

Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline that no longer serves Sanka. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.