Rob the Pilot

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Aviation expert suggests inflight exercise, ways to impress women

By Rob Potochnik

February 27, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while waiting to be strip searched at Heathrow Airport.

What exactly is a "dead head?"

A Deadhead is the name given to a drugged-out hippy who stands in the rain for hours listening to music that's so bad (“dead”) they’re grateful for all the acid they’ve been given. Actually, deadheading is a term used when pilots sit as passengers in the back of the plane. Companies do this to position pilots where they need them now or in the near future.

Have you ever had any problems landing at SAN?

Nope! (A simple answer, but one that speaks volumes.)

I have poor circulation and I'd like to know what exercises I'm allowed to do on a flight?

I’d start with a three-mile jog up and down the aisle, followed by push-ups down by my footrest, but that’s me. I have lots of room.

You, on the other hand, have bought the cheapest ticket you could find and only have room to bend your ankles, twist your wrists, and look directly into the ear of the person next to you. Hey, it’s your predicament. You made your bed, now sleep in it. When your job goes to India or China, then you may rethink buying quality American-made products. Otherwise, twist your wrist and stay out of the isle while I’m jogging!

Do pilots actually like flying commercially, or is it just a job?

Most pilots like flying. Some are nuts about it, like the person in your office who shows up early just to be there. Some hate it, due to elimination of pensions, 40-65% pay cuts, longer hours of work, fewer days off, and little job security. Meanwhile, management has not taken significant pay cuts. They’ve guaranteed their pensions and will walk away multimillionaires despite putting the airlines in the state they are in now. Cuba is a good place for them. Castro loves scabs!

Is it possible for me to buy a pilot's uniform? I want to masquerade as a pilot in order to impress the women.

If you want to impress women, don’t bother with the uniform. Just do the following: Buy them expensive airline tickets.

You may also want to put the seat down, not eat your boogers, open doors for women, tell them how nice they look (especially their nails), and above all, don’t mention your ex-girlfriend’s name in bed, unless the names are the same.

Where's the best position to wait for my luggage as it comes onto the baggage carousel?

Personally, I sit on the carousel. I like the ride I get while waiting, but it pinches my butt in the turns, so be careful.

What kind of artwork do you think would make Lindbergh more attractive?

I like the guy who paints big whales on buildings. If he did this through the entire exterior and interior, you would have the feeling of being in a big fish tank. And since the food in the airport looks, tastes and floats like fish food, you’d have great contextual ambience.

Where do pilots eat when they’re at airports?

Try this website. It seems to have some good places:

http://www.personal.psu.edu/staff/m/h/mhl100/2005/02/airport-food.html

Or just follow flight crews around. Better yet, just ask us. We’ll tell you the places to avoid.

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline that buys used planes from Bolivian Air. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.