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Ask Jane

By "Jane Doe"

March 20, 2006

San Diego--Many of you know me as Jane Doe, the psychotherapist turned exhibitionist on Craigslist Rants & Raves. I’ve found a new home here at Vyuz San Diego, where I’ll be writing a regular advice column. The inspiration for this column came after reading the myriad responses that were emailed to me in response to my posting nude photos of myself on CL.

I found my inbox stuffed with correspondence from both men and women. When I wrote back to these people and became a real person to them—apparently it’s shocking to some that the nude woman actually thinks and writes!—I began to get all kinds of questions on sex, love, relationships, body, and requests for general advice. 

I enjoy sexy pictures and porn. I often surf the net looking at hot chicks and sex. I have not and would not cheat on my girlfriend. However, she has said looking at other chicks is like me cheating on her. Is this really cheating?--Rogerthedodger

This situation is very common, Rog. Women want to feel that they are the most special, sexy, wonderful thing in their man’s life and that he wouldn’t need anything else. In her view, when you look at other women, you are choosing them over her. She fears she isn’t as sexy or desirable as they may be. She’d feel this way even if she were 20 times as hot and resembled Angelina Jolie.

Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage women to compare themselves to other women, with the idea that one of them must be better than the other (rather than to see multiple ideals of beauty). This competitive reinforcement bombards us from the time we’re little girls—read any celebrity magazine to see absolutely beautiful movie star women get picked apart for every tiny flaw.

She sees it as a choice: her or them, and when you look at porn, you’re choosing them. She thinks this means she is somehow inferior in your eyes. Men, however, rarely see this is a “me-or-them” situation. Most men see checking out hot chicks just as variety, something else to look at. They look because it’s sexy, period. They aren’t thinking, “Wow, I wish my girlfriend looked like that.” I don’t know you, but I imagine you look at these women, it’s cool, you turn your computer off, and you love your sexy GF.

Do I think this is cheating? No. I have to commend you for even caring enough to ask this question. It shows you love her and you respect her enough to not want to cheat. The only time this would be a problem or “cheating,” in my view, is if you’d rather look at porn/nude pics than be with her, or if you need them to be aroused. That’s a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, or that you could be working on a porn addiction. (Yes, it’s real, but rare. These people only get turned on by porn and shun real sex with real women or men.)

Assuming this isn’t the case—and it doesn’t sound like it—I think you’re a normal guy doing what guys and women do: enjoy sexuality. I wouldn’t try to convince her of anything. Just show her a lot of attention and love, and look at your pics when you’re surfing alone. In this case, what she doesn’t know really won’t hurt her. Enjoy. (continued)

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