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Tourist go home!...with me

By Brian Swarthmore

April 3, 2006

San Diego--San Diego depends on tourism as an industry and many San Diegans depend on tourists as an important part of their dating pool.

And with good reason. Who wants to date a native San Diego girl anyway? Most of them are lushes who’ve been drinking in TJ bars since they were fourteen.

San Diego guys aren’t much better. Most are lazy screw ups who would like to make a mint in the local meth industry but can’t because they failed chemistry.

Generally, foreign hotties can be found everywhere you look but because they don’t know the lay of the land, they’re more likely to be in the trendy bars you avoid, boring universities you can’t afford to go to, and museums that are, uhh, educational. But before you go hunting for foreign trim, there are some rules of the road.

Before you pick up on someone who looks foreign, figure out if they’re really European or just gay. You see, because Europe is a wacky continent, the people tend to dress weird and have strange haircuts—just like gay people.

This can cause a real problem if you don’t know the difference. For instance, many European girls cut their hair really really short before visiting America and, as a result, they look like dykes straight from “Tuna-versity Heights.”

Interacting with these women can be treacherous if you’re a guy because lesbians try very hard to not be attractive to straight guys. However, these lesbian look-alikes are usually heterosexual and are often very grateful when a red-blooded he-man shows interest in them.

By the same token, many very straight European men like wearing marble sack bathing suits and don’t realize just how gay they look. This can be disconcerting to a woman who has fears of being a “fag hag,” but it pays off when she realizes that she is finally with a guy who knows how to dress.

Thankfully, the “Gay vs. European” question never comes up when you’re trying to pick up women from Latin countries, but it can be an issue with some guys from the same areas. If you’re a woman who wonders if her new friend, “Chico,” likes women, putting your hand on his crotch can usually provide a quick painless answer to that question.

Picking up Asians is different. They don’t mind you being direct but that doesn’t mean they’ll respond directly. Ask a female Asian tourist if she wants to go to bed and she’ll probably respond with a hand over her mouth and a ``Wha?” response (just like Trixie on Speed Racer).

Meanwhile, ask an Asian guy for sex and he’ll order lots of drinks (for courage) and probably bow a lot as well. How low he will bow depends on how low you’re willing to go.

Is Your Foreign Object Of Prey Attractive? Possibly.

Dating someone for a foreign country has an exotic feel and it can surely make you feel like a stud with international appeal but remember the rule of accents: A cute accent adds 1.5 stars to the 10-point scale and an ugly one takes 1.5 stars off the 10-point scale.

Also, before making a move on a tourist, ask yourself, ``Would this person actually be attractive if they grew up here in San Diego?” It will save a lot of painful mornings.

Places To Pick Up Foreign Tourists

International Youth Hostels can be okay places to see the foreign talent and there are three in San Diego – The Ocean Beach International Hostel in Ocean Beach; the USA Hostel downtown; and the Banana Bungalow in Pacific Beach.

The problem with hanging around a hostel is that you get the reputation among the employees of having a foreign fetish and they’ll tell Miyoki or Grzelda or Fucko that you’re a playa. Of course, that can sometimes be an advantage, especially if the tourist is only here a short time and doesn’t want to mince words.

Easiest thing to do is get a cigarette store as near to the hostel as possible or a cheap liquor store (since foreigners just want to smoke and drink anyway).

If you’re interested in longer flings, hang out near the Converse International School of Languages (636 Broadway). Chances are, the students will hang out at coffee houses smoking, and if you’re willing to put your time in and get to know them, you’ll have foreign tail coming out of your ass.

If you do meet someone, here’s a key to dating: Students from Latino countries like to go dancing; students from European countries like to go smoking and Asian students like to go to Sea World. With the latter two, stick with the Europeans. Smoking is cheaper than Sea World.

Although there are lots of tourists downtown, the real wild ones hang out in P.B., which has the most beach bars. Some do make their way to O.B., but if they’re heading there they will only sleep with you if you have dreads. And if you meet them in La Jolla, they will only sleep with you if you have coke.

Another note: Some people like to call Japanese women “Yellow Cabs” because, as the saying goes, they’ll give anyone a ride. This is untrue. Everyone knows Yellow Cabs don’t pick up black people, but Japanese women do.

Finally, if you do get lucky with a foreign babe, please understand that they have just as many stereotypes about you as you do about them. They probably think you’re a stupid surfer who says “Fer shure” a lot. Don’t destroy their fantasy.

Also, don’t take them home with you. The ideal romantic fantasy foreigners have about San Diego is doing the nasty on the beach. Taking them to your house might help your sense of propriety but it won’t help their masturbation fantasies when they’re back in their home country.

Remember: You’re not just an anonymous sex partner. You’re an ambassador.

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Brian Swarthmore is a San Diego freelance writer and frequent Vyuz contributor. Vyuz contributor Kate Kowsh also supplied crucial information (but none of the insulting stuff).