Rob the Pilot

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Aviation expert weighs in on executives, nympho flight attendants

By Rob Potochnik

April 17, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions from a holding room at Area 51 International Airport, somewhere East of Reno.

Why do they call driving on the runway "taxiing?" You're not weaving in and out of traffic, flipping off other planes, and refusing to pick up minorities.

Sometimes we swerve to miss a dog, goat, or turtle on the taxiway. I have personally seen these on the runway. You can also add chickens, roosters, cats, foxes, cows, pigs and people to this list. I like to call it dodge ball—dodging the miscellaneous items or animals. Sometimes we suck things into our engines, such as birds, trash crap, and the like. The stuff usually doesn’t do any harm to the engines. As far as picking up minorities, well, disadvantaged people do climb into our wheel wells on occasion for a cold ride to Graceland.

What are the rules of etiquette if I want to watch a movie on my notebook computer? Can I watch a movie about a terrorist who hijacks an airplane, or terrible mid-air collision? I like these kinds of movies and enjoy watching them whenever I travel.

Hey buddy, this is America the good ole U-S-of-A. You can watch anything you like. There’s a caveat, though. If you scare the person sitting next to you, they may punch your lights out. This too is an American freedom—freedom of expression. Come on, take the chance. Don’t be a wimp!

If a pilot makes a grammatical mistake when he's addressing the cabin, may I approach the cockpit later to correct him?

Sure. I would correct him during the flight, as well. Send a note to the cockpit, then fasten your seat belt real tight. Ever been on a roller coaster for eight hours straight?

Once, while passengers were deplaning, I overheard a passenger point out to the captain that he’d left the seatbelt sign on. To this the captain said, “So why did you get up? You went against my orders. I should have you arrested.” The best part is, the captain can it!

Who gets more action, pilots or surfers?

Definitely surfers. I think the illusion of pilots making a lot of money is well known at present. Surfers, on the other hand, can make millions. They don’t get alcohol or drug tested. They aren’t required to get annual medical checkups, proficiency checks, or a college education. They can wear anything they like.

Aircraft crash and surfers get eaten by a shark, but neither happen very often. So, all in all, it’s better to be a surfer. More chicks, better working hours, and you can even build a bonfire. Let’s all be surfers. This way, management will have to start working—we’ll be surfing!

Do commercial pilots have nicknames or handles for each other? For example, "D-Rog," or "Falcon?"

We don’t have names but we do have names for our executives. Recently we had a mouse in our house. We put down five mouse traps and named them names such as Steenland, Cohen, Haan, etc. In the morning, we killed the Steenland mouse and are hoping to get the rest sometime soon. To answer your question, military guys have these handles. Civilian guys are just plain, laid back, cool guys. They don’t need to make up names to get women.

How can you tell whether a passenger is a billionaire?

These days, they sit in business class, wear tennis shoes, have a pierced ear and tongue, and are very nice and sociable. The execs dress in business suits, have personalities of a rock, or sea scum, and fart the entire flight. If it smells onboard you know who it’s from.

How can you tell whether a female flight attendant is a nymphomaniac?

I get this question all the time. I know the answer like the back of my hand. I’d like to tell you, give you the skinny, show you how to identify the great ones from the bad ones but, my better judgment tells me not to. I should keep some things secret. “Why?” you ask? Well, more for me! Now I’m sounding like a CEO! Aarrrgh!

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline with the motto "First in Eagle Snacks." If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.