Surfing

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Finding a lover among surfers

By Elisabeth Gause

April 17, 2006

San Diego--Remember that television commercial where a guy stands in an elevator, catches a whiff of some woman with great hair, turns to her and asks, “Is that Herbal Essence?” She smiles. He smiles. They have 2.5 children and a house with a white picket fence. Or a one-night stand. Whatever, the line works. It’s lame. But I can’t wait to tell you that I’ve lived that scene—except the thing that sent us up and down was the ocean.

I usually slather conditioner into my dry hair to protect my long locks, so when I first paddle out to the waves, you might smell a flowery scent downwind of me. One time I was sitting on my board when a guy sitting on his board turned to me and said, “Is that Herbal Essence?”

Now, since the commercial didn’t tell you what happened to the two in the elevator, I’m not going to tell you what happened to the two of us.

People go out to surf, not to hit on each other—unless you’re a Betty who only goes out in the summer in your skimpiest bikini and borrowed board that you can barely paddle. But pick-ups happen. Let me illustrate some ways the wet scene is strikingly different than the dry one.

During wetsuit season, everybody wears the same tight body-hugging getup. But like a Catholic school uniform, not all of us look the same in it. Girls can’t pretend their thighs aren’t that big and guys can’t pretend their packages aren’t that small. So, what you see is what you get.

This is even more so in the summer when the swimsuits come off. While mismatching thankfully became cool a while back, I’m happy to report mini-skirts have now made their way to the surfing scene. As for boys, praise be to those low-hanging boardshorts on those well-tushed shortboarders. Clothes definitely say something about the person. How much skin do they show? How comfortable are they with what they’re showing?

The way a person moves in their clothes is equally important. After you’ve checked out their red Hawaiian flowered shorts and how nicely they fit, watch how they surf. There is a direct correlation between how well we surf and how well we…do other things. If surfers spot a potentially flirt-worthy honey, we watch the hips. We watch how they read and respond to the moving body beneath them because if they can do that well with a big ocean, they can do wonders with us, too.

The prelim to them getting on a wave is also quite informative. When they paddle into the wave, how hard are they working? Are they forcing it? Are they blasé? Do they make faces? Do they kick furiously for extra power? Do they give up too easily? C’mon, tell me all bar-goers wouldn’t love to know any of this before they wasted a perfectly good opening line?

There are signs beyond the mechanical act of surfing that a person might be a worthy mate. Here are some things to look for:

• Do they blame the wave when their ride isn’t fantastic?
• Do they thank the wave or kiss their board after a sweet ride?
• Do they enjoy the ride just for the sake of riding or are they trying to prove something?
• Is it a physical need? An emotional one? Both?
• Do they smack the lip like it owes them the ride?
• Do they look for the curve that will give them the greatest thrill going up or down it?
• Are they tight? Loose?
• Do they take things too seriously?
• Do they enjoy every moment they get to be in the water?

I’m not kidding. This stuff carries over onto land. If you don’t believe me, ask surfers who’ve dated other surfers.

When I first surfed, I didn’t know how much was being revealed to me. I was still just rating the hottie factor. Now, if a surfer fears a heavy drop, snakes a wave or smacks the lip just a little too hard, I don’t go near them. If they woo-hoo, that’s a very good sign. Woo-hooing is always a good thing, aquatically or terrestrially.

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Elisabeth Gause is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to Vyuz.