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Sex Ask Jane (continued) Being dominant doesn’t mean disrespecting your partner. It means agreeing on and respecting your partner’s role. Dominance doesn’t involve abuse or beatings—well, play ones maybe—or forcing her to do things she isn’t comfortable with. If somebody is uncomfortable, then the partnership is wrong for both. Establish guidelines early as to what is acceptable, develop your own safe words, not just for bondage/S&M play, but also for life situations so she can voice concern or dissent when she needs to. I don’t see a dominant in the relationship as being “above” the other or better in any way. It’s just the flip side of submission. True submissives like their role; this is what your friends don’t understand. They assume the poor little lady is being taken advantage of by the big bad dominant wolf, and that the relationship can’t possibly be healthy or fulfilling. Submissives, however, often speak of the thrill in giving up all responsibility and control as enthusiastically as dominants speak of the thrill in taking control and responsibility. Good luck.I am a woman, 24, who would like a monogamous but sexy relationship. Every man I date who wants to be monogamous tends to want sex maybe once a week and not be into lots of trappings (sexy lingerie, movies, role play, photos, etc.). The men who are hot seem to want hookups and booty calls only. What is up with this? How do I find one that is mine, all mine and still HOT. (Bethany) Welcome to the human race, Bethany. We all want the perfect partner, someone who floats our boat and adores only us. I think what’s happening here is that you are looking at men who want an idea rather than a person. What I mean is, men looking for monogamous relationships and those looking for a good time have something in common. They’re both looking for something.
Here’s a thought: Once you find this monogamous guy, bring the sexy lingerie and toys and stuff into the relationship without waiting for him to do so. Really rock his world and he may be more sexual in general and also know it’s okay—a lot of men have been chastised by past girlfriends for being too sexual. So, if you don’t tell him it’s okay, he may think you only want vanilla sex once a week. I get lots of letters from men saying this is exactly what their wives appear to want….BREAK this stereotype, girl! 1 | 2 -------------------- Jane Doe is an exhibitionist and board certified psychotherapist. Send questions relating to sex, relationships, porn, culture, fitness, et al. to jane@vyuz Suggested Vyuz reading... Who is Jane Doe? | By Larry Knowles Steve York, UCSD student pornographer, chooses law over porn | By Larry Knowles The bare facts about Brazilian waxing | By Romina Cleary What pilots look for in airports, women | By Rob Potochnik A serial networker walks among us | By April Labine-Katko |
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