Rob the Pilot

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To aviation expert, durians and airline CEOs smell the same

By Rob Potochnik

April 24, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions from the seventh annual Pilot Uniform Fashion Show (PUFS) in Seattle.

I’m a Karrass Head and fly to all the negotiating seminars held by Dr. Chester Karrass. Would your airline be willing to give members of our group a discount? We’d be quite willing to negotiate.

Sure, let’s negotiate. We’ll fly you and your group to all Karrass’ seminars for $1 million. That’s per person. What, you have a better price? Let’s hear it, Karrass Head. Give me the Chester Karrass face and I’ll take 1% off the price.

Voice of San Diego recently revealed that a PR firm ghost-wrote an opinion piece for a citizen in support of a new airport here in SD. Don’t you think that’s a little sneaky? How would the p.r. honchos feel if their flight was ghost-flown from SD to Vegas?

Why does the editorial writer want a larger airport? To the writer, I say go to New Deli or Mumbai. The first thing you’ll want to do is GET OUT! A lower population is better. It makes for cleaner air (less autos, busses, trucks and businesses polluting the air) and less crowded restaurants.

Who’s pushing for a larger airport, anyway? Probably someone who will get big bucks from it. Watch your wallet next to this person.

Do pilots ever place bets on arrivals, such as which gate you’ll be assigned, how many bounces before the plane lands?

Hey, that’s a great idea. Maybe we can bet with passengers. With our pay cuts at 50%, we sure don’t fly because of the money. We don’t fly for the pensions or time off, which have been cut back, either. So if we bet with the passengers we could make some money back. I think you should start a website, “GateBetting.com.” Sign me up!

When my backpack came onto the baggage carrousel, there was a dildo sticking out of one of the pockets. I didn’t put it there, and it certainly wasn’t mine. A couple of people laughed at me when I grabbed my bag.

Everyone laughed at you, as they should have, because they probably had a better one and yours was woefully inadequate.

Why do airlines take ALL the credit for on-time arrivals but NONE of the blame for late arrivals?

What else would you expect from airlines run by CEOs with multi-million dollar salaries? The CEOs lie, cheat and steal money from employees, all the while making deals with the board of directors to obtain stock at fifty cents per share. Airlines are just following in the mold of their leaders!

I’d like to eat a durian on my next flight. Are there any laws that say I can’t?

Probably not.

I have a prescription for medical marijuana and MUST get high every two hours. Where on the plane will I be allowed to blaze up?

I don’t know about on the plane. However, you could start with the airline CEO’s office, then go to the COO, and so on. Then call the police, say they took a hit with you, and have them arrested. They may just pay you off, so ask for at least a million. Anything less would be a slap in the face.

For a real answer I’ll have to ask a professional and get back to you.

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline with the inflight magazine that won an inflight magazine award. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.