Sex	Email this article

Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

May 1, 2006

San Diego--I’ve mentioned getting nasty-grams from people angry about the exhibitionism thing. Of course, I get a lot of support, too. Much of it comes from straight men, which is appreciated—but expected. What I’ve found pleasantly surprising, though, is the support and friendship I’ve found in women. In fact, several women email me regularly and remind me they love what I’m doing.

My boyfriend of 5 years appears to be committed to me. I don’t think he’s cheating, and he says he loves me all the time. Why, then, won’t he ask me to marry him? We get in fights over this, as I can’t stop myself from asking him why he won’t do this. Any ideas on getting him to ask me? (Candy, Encinitas)

Whoa….My advice is not going to be what you want to hear, Candy. I am not one of the therapists that see people’s lack of commitment as “issues” to be endlessly talked about or worked through.

If the man thought you were really the one that he was going to stay with forever, he’d marry you so fast you wouldn’t have time to even consider the color of the flowers. Every man I’ve talked to that was head over heels in love had zero problems marrying. Of course, he won’t say this because he doesn’t want to break up right now. It’s just that if something better comes along--in his eyes, that is—and he does leave you, he figures there at least won’t be a messy divorce proceeding. Any man that isn’t begging you to be his forever really isn’t the one you want. Hold out for the one that will walk on busted glass on his lips to be your groom. Now that’s the one you want.

I finally got the nerve up to ask my dream woman on a date. What mistakes should I avoid when we go out? Any tips on what not to do on a first date? (Tristan, 23/M, Point Loma)

Oooh, thanks for asking Tristan, I love the easy ones! Seriously, there are some very easily avoidable pit falls. Avoid these and, while I can’t guarantee you will score, I will guarantee you won’t be the laughing stock of all her friends at the next Girls Night Out at Moondoggie’s.

1.       Don’t wear Hawaiian print. Ever.

2.       Don’t ask her to drive.

3.       Don’t forget your wallet, and don’t run out of money.

4.       Don’t under tip the server or make rude comments.

5.       Don’t get plastered (buzzed is fine if you both drink).

6.       Don’t cry, no matter how drunk you are or how “real” the moment seems.

7.       Don’t forget to zip your pants up after each bathroom run.

8.       Don’t talk about any past relationships or dates.

9.       Don’t say how much money you make.

10.   Don’t use “honey” or “baby.”

11.   Don’t take her to meet your parents!

12.   Don’t ask what names she likes for kids.

13.   Don’t make any comments on how much she eats or doesn’t eat.

14.   Don’t take food off her plate.

15.   Don’t ogle other women, even if Carmen Electra walks in the room.

I know people who say they’re polyamorous. I don’t get it. In my opinion it’s not natural for a woman to be in such a relationship without feeling hurt and jealous and driven crazy. What do you think? (Flygirl)

Well, I think you already know it’s not for you and you indeed would be driven crazy by it. Polyamorous refers to both partners being open to more than one loving intimate relationship at a time. In my experience, a lot of people actually mean something more like poly-sexual when they say this. Most people who are in love with their partner are simply not willing to share. Those who merely like their partner are much more willing, as they often see it as keeping their options open.

I’m sure this can work out fine if both parties are okay with it. I just think in the long run one of the parties may fall in love and then not be okay with it, or have agreed to it just to keep their partner (very bad idea). I don’t think it’s a gender thing, however. I’ve seen men driven just as crazy by jealousy as any woman. And with either gender….jealousy is NOT pretty.