There are just so many things wrong with that scene I don’t know where to begin. Let’s just say I can imagine this guy in church yelling, “Sit in the front pew! God can see us better from there! He’ll answer our prayers first!” Really, when we start making something like surfing a competition, praying contests can’t be far behind.

Now before I start ripping into the forced coupling of surfing and competition, let me just say: If people want to compete in surfing, that’s fine.

But that’s not what surfing is about. Surfing started as recreation—that’s right, playtime. It isn’t a game with rules that requires knowing what wickets, birdies or lay-ups are. There’s no right way or wrong way to do it. The only excluding factor is not living near moving water. Otherwise, anybody can do it, any way they want, for however long they want, whenever they want, for whatever reason they want. Any sport with these general guidelines isn’t a competitive sport. It’s a walkabout on water. (Please, nobody tell me that Aussies have walkabout contests.)

You’ve probably picked up on the fact that I’m not a competitive person, but let me tell you why I’m scared of soccer moms and dads drowning their kids in surfing. I had a little boy in an afterschool program ask me, “Do I have to be good?”

Platitudes about fun, not skill, mattering bounced around in my head as I said, “No,” but before I could dole out any of them, he said, “My dad wants me to be good.”

I’m sure I frowned in that empathetic way when I asked, “Is your dad really good?”

“He doesn’t surf.”

I wanted to say something snide like “Why don’t you tell your daddy to shove a surfboard up his—” but I didn’t. I floated him one of those surfing is playtime clichés. (Somebody had to tell him.)

Yet, there are plenty of surfers who are desperate to pass on surfing to their progeny. I think that’s great, except when I hear a guy say, “My son just doesn’t like the water. But I figure if I keep putting him in there, he’ll get over it.” I wonder about this type of man’s ability to raise a human being. Makes me believe we should have parent tests. If you have to take a test to drive a car, shouldn’t you have to take a test to drive another human’s life?

Surfing is different things to different people, but as much as “Aloha” makes one think of Hawaii, surfing makes one think of a laidback, spiritual communion with nature. What happens to a young person when we tell them we’re scoring them for how well they get along with nature? They’ll get mad when waves aren’t big enough, instead of woo-hooing that they’re riding waves at all. They’ll get mad when someone else gets a better wave than they got, instead of woo-hooing that someone rode a sweet wave. They’ll get mad that they didn’t win, instead of thanking—and of course, woo-hooing—the ocean for letting them come play.

I realize that not everyone sees surfing the way I do. I realize people want to compete and many of them want to do it in the water. Really, I’m okay with that, as long as you’re not standing on the beach screaming at your kid to go for the big waves to get a bigger score.

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Elisabeth Gause is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to Vyuz.