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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

May 15, 2006

San Diego--What is love—a desire, a need? I think it’s a sublime combination of the two, both an undeniable physical chemistry and a friendship like no other. It’s seeing every bit of your partner, yet being blind to their petty faults. It’s respecting yourself while losing yourself, power and acquiescence all at once. It’s having a best friend who you can’t keep your hands off, and who’s accepting of all your eccentricities. It’s bliss—don’t settle for anything less.

Now, if you are deciding whether or not to cheat, that really comes down to whether you are willing to deal with the consequences (read: heap o’ crap) that are inevitable if/when she finds out. If you are, then maybe your wife isn’t the right woman for you. If the idea of a fling doesn’t rate as highly as the consequences do negatively, then I wouldn’t do it. Basically, I really wouldn’t do it. I think leaving your wife or trying to kick-start the relationship, possibly via counseling together, would really be the best options.

My girlfriend is a married woman who is in the process of leaving and divorcing her husband. I knew about this and was fine from the get go. She comes over 1-2x a week for a few hours. At first all was well, but now when she comes over, I am finding it hard to get an erection. I have no problem by myself, but lately with her...nothing. I still find her attractive, but it’s getting hard to convince her of this. Maybe I’m flying solo too much (a lot when she’s not there). HELP! (Rob, San Marcos)

Rob, I think the problem isn’t your solo activities (normal). Whether or not you started out okay with this relationship, you’re not anymore. Two things come to mind here. The first is pressure. Penises are not known for working well under pressure. She comes over for a short while on certain days and you are under pressure to perform right then. This doesn’t allow things to naturally take their course. Your solo activities are done at your own time and pace…no pressure.

The second thing here appears to be the relationship itself. Are you really okay with only seeing her on her terms? You indicate she’s leaving the husband, but she’s still there. Are you angry? I’d be. Sounds like a bad situation for you. Your penis may be telling you something your head doesn’t want to hear. Sometimes the little head really IS the wiser one. When things feel right to you, he’ll stand right up and tell you!

Really, how much does size matter? How much do women really need—or want size? I’ve heard it both ways. Is length important? Width? What? (J.P./ aguywiththoughts)

This is a very personal one. Some women swear by size, but to be honest, it’s usually not about feel, for these women. It’s about the visual eroticism (think the way men react when they see big boobs). The standard answer is that only the first few inches inside the vagina have nerve endings, so length shouldn’t matter too much after that. Girth is up to the individual woman’s preference. Some women prefer more, but honestly some women find too much girth painful.

Also, men who are huge have much less chances of their women allowing anal sex. Bottom line, there is NO woman I’ve ever talked to that would take size over technique. Not one. A man that can make a woman feel special and unique and appreciated sexually is far more sought after than a man with just size on his side. Work on perfecting the art of getting her off each and every time. Too many women complain this is too rare. A man that can do that AND do oral well…DAMN!

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist. Each week she answers reader questions on sex, relationships, and exhibitionism. If you have a question, you can e-mail her directly at jane@vyuz.com.