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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

May 22, 2006

San Diego--Some have labeled me anti-feminist for flaunting my sexuality. Hmmm, so what is feminism? Is it not shaving or wearing a bra? Is it marching in a protest for abortion rights? Is it cutting your hair really short? Disallowing someone to open a door for you? Is it not wearing makeup or high heels? Is it anti-men or anti-sex or anti-pornography?

I say no. Feminism is supporting women’s rights to be legally, socially and ethically equal with men. Not to be the same, not to be better, but to be equal in these three spheres. This means equal pay for equal work, equal political representation, and the social freedom to choose one’s own path. A true feminist supports a woman’s choice to become a centerfold or a senator.

Well, the term is “bisexual.” I don’t think a new term needs to be coined. I think you need to read your question. I’m very open-minded and know a few true bisexuals, but the first thing in my head was, “he IS gay.” Sorry. Most people who label themselves as bisexual lean one way or the other, and you appear to be leaning on the gay side. This doesn’t mean you’re lying about liking women, but it appears you’re not ready to say you like men better. Seriously, look at the evidence: You mention a gay club, a lesbian friend, “exclusively” homosexual acts and your friends think you’re gay (and they know you better than I!). I think the word you may be looking for isn’t “bisexual,” it’s “denial.” Honestly, as it’s no one else’s business, tell your friends to shut up, and live the way you want to live. I’m sorry, but I can’t justify you for you, you have to do this.

My girlfriend is really cute, but there’s one problem. She has a mustache. It’s blonde, but it bugs me every time I see the fuzzy little thing (and makeup makes it worse). How on earth can I mention that I’d like her to get rid of it? This is very awkward, but I seriously am only thinking about this when I see her face lately. Suggestions? (SG)

Man, that IS awkward. There is really no way to tell her this without sounding like it’s been bothering you. She’ll feel embarrassed and start obsessing about it if you mention it. Facial hair is one of those ultra sensitive topics to women (along with body odor or menstrual periods). I would avoid the direct approach. Instead of this, go stealth. Purchase her a gift certificate to a swanky day spa, complete with a few various beauty treatments (facial, eyebrow wax, pedicure, etc).

Before she goes, call the spa and politely explain the situation. Ask if, perhaps, one of the cosmetologists or technicians could suggest how great she’d look if she had the hair removed. Let them know you’ll be picking up the entire tab, including tip.

I am seeing a female therapist. (I’m male.) I have a really bad crush on her! She’s really hot and I’m wondering how or if I can make this fantasy happen. (Pete)

Sorry, but this is one fantasy that’s 99% sure not to happen. I’d like to say 100%, but of course some therapists will do what they want regardless of state laws or ethical obligations. There are laws prohibiting this, and if found out, the therapist will lose her license forever, face monetary fines and jail time up to 6 months. Our professional journals also publish the names of therapists who’ve lost their licenses, along with the reasons, so she also faces public humiliation.

Ethically, it is not good practice, as there is a major power difference and regardless of your own situation, society doesn’t want to encourage therapists to prey on clients. Now you’ll say, “But no one will find out….” Well, someone usually does. If the client falls in love and the therapist dumps them later, the therapist risks the client going to the licensing board and telling. This happens a lot.

It’s permissible for a therapist to date a former client. However, the client must have been out of therapy for two years and the treatment can’t have terminated just for the sake of later starting a romance. Two years is a lot of time, so I’d suggest you keep this a fantasy. Feel free to think about it all you’d like and...enjoy. I’d also suggest you openly discuss this with your therapist and whether or not finding a new person to work with would be beneficial. Crushes are distracting and prevent you from being 100% honest and really working on the issues that brought you there. Once you find your next non-therapist partner, feel free to role-play. Now that’s good, clean, harmless fun!

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist. Each week she answers reader questions on sex, relationships, and exhibitionism. If you have a question, you can e-mail her directly at jane@vyuz.com.