Rob the Pilot

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Aviation expert answers questions on Rolls Royce engines, Japanese beer, and Muslim pilots

By Rob Potochnik

May 22, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while downloading Microsoft Flight Simulator off Limewire.

What exactly is a “commercial airline pilot”? Does this mean that you fly for a commercial carrier, like United?

Nope. It simply means you can charge people to fly. A commercial pilot needs to log about 300 hours of flying time, and pass both a written exam and flying test. 300 hours is very low time, so be wary of flying with someone like this. When you hear someone say they’re a commercial pilot and start giving advice, find out how long they have been flying and how many hours they have.

Does the FAA require airlines to serve food on long flights?

No, but you can bring your own. I suggest a 36” pizza pie, or six-foot sub sandwich. This way you can sell pieces and pay for your trip. You can bring a case of beer and chips—people would enjoy this as well.

You got any good tips for getting over jetlag?

Yeah, don’t fly. Take a car (car lag), a camel (spit lag), a wheelbarrow (butt lag) or just walk. If you must fly, you can try staying up late and sleep most of the way or just suffer. Take it like a man, be tough.

I wanted to take back some bottles of beer from Japan, but the airline wouldn’t let me check in the suitcase they were in. They said the bottles would break. Is this an international policy? Do I have to do what they say?

I suggest you forget Japanese beer. It’s so carbonated it’ll make you sick. Any REAL beer drinker knows that the freshest beer is one that is lightly carbonated, and only then just before you drink it, as in Guinness. I wouldn’t pour Japanese beer on the ground. It’ll kill almost anything it touches, so watch out!

Do you know of any Muslim airline pilots flying for the big US carriers? If so, what are your thoughts? Would they be a security risk? After all, a terrorist who’s a pilot could do a lot of damage—and quite easily.

Muslim pilots? Hmm, hmm, being a Muslim and a pilot doesn’t really mean much. After all, there are wackos everywhere, no matter what religion they are. Looking at religion, specifically, I have heard of a lot of priests who are screwed up, so if a priest is flying maybe you should take another flight.

Why do airlines always serve pretzels? Never chips. Always pretzels.

Certain people have peanut allergies, but no one I know has a pretzel allergy. Maybe you can call your airline and say you have an ugly flight attendant allergy. Hey, maybe they’ll replace them with models, although the service may be crappy and with attitude.

Why don’t planes have steering wheels?

Don’t need them. Enough said.

Are Rolls Royce engines as highly regarded in aviation as Rolls Royce cars are in the automotive world?

Nope. Rolls Royce engines are harder to start, smoke like a chimney, get high temps in hotter weather. The new engines are getting much better, but as you know, everyone is going cheap. So, you usually don’t have the best engine on your wing, but the cheapest, lightest, most fuel efficient, easy-to-maintain one.

San Diego was discovered and settled by the Spanish. Why doesn’t the airport have a Latino name, like Ayala International Airport?

First of all it could not have a simple name like this. If it were Spanish it would have to be something like:

Juan Carlos Santamaría González Ayala International Airport.

And, as we all know it probable wouldn’t fit on any name tag or ticket jacket, so this is probably the reason.

Are the pillows, if you get any, changed after every flight or do we use the same ones over and over again?

The pillows are usually changed, but the blankets?…Dirty as crap most of the time. I sat next to someone a while ago and they picked their open sores most of the flight using the blanket on their lap. Want to wrap this around your head? Bring your own blanket and pillow then sterilize them when finished.

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline that blamed your last delay on the control tower. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.