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Advice to grads: Pay lip service

By Brian Swarthmore

May 22, 2006

San Diego--Grads, I’ve been asked to speak to you on this hallowed day to welcome you into the world of the nebulously employed.

I’m sure finishing this stage of your life fills you with exhilaration – and it should – but with it comes a sense of responsibility, maturity and a willingness to fly without a net.

Because real life doesn’t have classes or bells or official tutors who help you pass that tough chem exam so you can play in the big game.

That said, I want to help you. Over the years, I’ve discovered that success in life comes in many forms but its basic essence comes down to five simple little details:

Who You Know

Everybody needs friends. Even more important is knowing how your pals and chums can help you. Now and in the future.

For instance, that guy in the dorm who makes a small fortune selling you pot seems like a real big cheese right now. And he is. And he’ll probably become even more important for a few more years.

But at the same time, that annoying nerd who follows you around talking about stupid little indie rock bands seems annoying now but he won’t be if he turns out to be real turntable whiz or computer genius like Bill Gates.

It’s who you blow

Frankly, you’re going to get screwed these first years unless you make an attempt to travel the world, concentrate on your band or some other slacker ritual. Ultimately, you’re going to be going through new experiences. You’ll meet new people, try new drugs, and experiment with other people sexually yada yada yada.

This is all well and good provided the people you “blow” are worth blowing. It might seem repulsive to answer a perverted Craigslist ad but what if a rich millionaire has put it there? And what if, after sex, he offers to get you a good job. Don’t miss out by letting your supposed standards get in the way.

It’s knowing who you blow

In the course of human events, you’re going to be forced to do a lot of things that embarrass you. However, never forget whom you’re blowing, why you’re blowing them and why they’re letting you blow them. Believe it or not, the person who you’re blowing today could be blowing you tomorrow so don’t blow it by blowing them off.

It’s knowing who knows whom you blow

Self-awareness is crucial to success in the real world but knowing what others know about you is even more important. You may have ruined many potential chances for sex with a real hottie just because they saw you, in a weak moment, putting the moves on someone ugly. Also, people talk and if you have a Prince Albert ring on your penis, the word will get around. Believe you me.

Other times, you may think about having sex with your boss. That’s fine and dandy unless the intern who wants your job finds out and wants to use your indiscretion against you. So be aware of the image you put out to the world.

It’s who blows you

This is the most crucial tip for worldly success. The world judges you by who is willing to suck your penis. Tommy Lee is just another terrible drummer with no meter, except for the fact that Pam Anderson is willing to suck his cock.

Think about all the successful people you know and, when it comes down to it, what sets them apart from you is the quality of people willing to give them blowjobs. Remember this when you’re working the late shift at Denny’s: Fry cooks don’t get blowjobs from fashion models. Rock stars do.

Please heed of my advice, grads, and you’ll have a life that won’t suck and you’ll get sucked plenty to boot.

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Brian Swarthmore is a San Diego-based writer who loves sunsets, sailing and receiving oral sex.

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