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Ask Jane

By Jane Doe

May 29, 2006

San Diego--A lot of people find it easy to laugh at others and harder to laugh at themselves. But I think laughing at yourself is crucial to being grounded, humble and funny! I’m athletic and fit. However, I’m also extremely clumsy. If I hadn’t learned to really laugh every time that I tripped, stumbled, or in some other way floundered around, my ego would be toast. Every time I laugh at myself, I notice other people laugh with me rather than at me, so my knee might be scraped, but my ego isn’t. Laughter really is the best medicine—and there’s no HMO approval or co-payment required.

There are a lot more embarrassing and difficult things that people have to get out, so thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to tell her, for example, that you served time in prison, have Herpes, experience Erectile Dysfunction (although she’d probably figure that one out on her own), or have 4 wives stashed away in Utah. Look at your bipolar disorder the way you’d look at something like diabetes. You wouldn’t be embarrassed or feel bad. You’d accept it, continue seeing your MD, take your meds, and move on. Bipolar is just the chemicals in your brain being affected rather than your blood sugar.

This is not a disorder that is born of weakness or has anything to do with your personality or your upbringing. (It may affect your personality, but your personality didn’t cause it.) It’s treatable primarily through meds, which you appear to be taking. Therapy may help you manage the disorder better, but therapy alone will not fix it (because it’s biochemical!). So, knowing that, just tell her calmly, be ready to provide some basic information, and don’t make a big deal out of it. This is really the small stuff…don’t sweat it.

I'm dating a girl that I have great sex with. Both of us are sexually satisfied and we both get what we want when we want. Sounds perfect? Well, she does not have the most perfect body that a guy could want. How does a person look past something as superficial as looks? Not that she is ugly or obese but how do you get over the issue of looking to upgrade, particularly when you see a Hustler Honey in a magazine or a hot chick in the mall? Also I have the feeling of "If I can get this one, I can get someone else too,” so I wonder what’s around the corner. How do you get over wanting to upgrade when you know you have a good thing? (Tim)

I think this is very natural. The one and only thing I’ve ever seen work to stop this is true love. You are not in love with this woman. The sex may be great and she may be the Ms. Right Now but she isn’t Ms. Right. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be with her. Enjoy it. I don’t advocate cheating, ever, so if you are with her, be with her. If you’re looking around for upgrades, fine. If there are and you want to break up, so be it. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is. The grass will be greener when you find the woman you’re head over heels in love with. She may not be as physically attractive as this girl even, but YOU WON’T CARE. Sexual chemistry is one of the best things in life. But there’s one thing that’s better: sexual chemistry love.

Wrong to push you? He sounds wrong on so many levels, I’d leave this guy now. Run, don’t walk! Pimping you out to his friends for some juvenile porn fantasy is disgusting, but trying to coerce you into doing it “if you love him” is abusive and manipulative. I promise you this will end badly unless you end it now. Any relationship where one person manipulates the other into doing something, particularly involving sexual risk, that they know the other person feels uncomfortable with is saying very clearly, “I don’t care about you.” Don’t even tell him why you’re leaving. Just leave. RIGHT NOW.

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Jane Doe is a certified psychotherapist and internet exhibitionist. Each week she answers reader questions on sex, relationships, and exhibitionism. If you have a question, you can e-mail her directly at jane@vyuz.com.