Rob the Pilot

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How long you should wait for your luggage, and other travel questions answered 

By Rob Potochnik

May 29, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while choking his yolk.

Why is the body of the plane called the “fuselage?” Why don’t they just call it the “body”?

The term “fuselage” was taken from a beautiful lady named Miss Juliana Amanda Fuselage. She was a statuesque, raven-haired beauty from the southern Brazilian town of Fortaleza, and was dating the CEO without his wife’s knowledge. She was said to influence many of his decisions because her voice was whispery soft, her hair flowed half way down her back, and her latte skin gleamed in the moonlight. Her fingers were long and thin, almost perfectly cylindrical, and according to the CEO, “exquisitely soft and gentle.” This is why he named the body, the most important part of the aircraft, the “fuselage.” Can you blame him?

I have an idea. Why doesn’t the pilots’ union for your airline get Chester Karas to negotiate your next contract?

Great idea. Maybe we should bypass the union and just call a nationwide strike. After all, President Bush and his CEO buddies all seem to want cheap foreign pilots flying US citizens around.

How about you—do you want a foreign pilot flying you around? He’ll make a whopping $5,000 per year. I’m sure he’ll be happy, study a lot, and love to live in a one-room apartment with 12 of his best buddies.

On a related note, CEOs say we need to pay them a lot to ensure quality at their respective companies. But you probably believe this b.s. because you—and this is just a guess—own airline stock. If you want real change in the airline industry, sell your stock or email the board of directors and tell them how dismayed you are at the CEO’s salary. However, if you don’t care much about change, then go back to your couch and continue getting brainwashed by your TV.

How long should I wait at the baggage carousel before I report my luggage as lost? I don’t want to be the only person standing there, looking at an empty carousel going around.

You should wait until you sprout roots beneath your feet and branches out your bunghole. The airlines take unclaimed luggage and SELL it, amigo. If you do not file a claim they make extra money off YOU.

If people nowadays go for the cheapest seats they can find, why do airlines even bother advertising? Their ads don’t matter. Price is what gets customers.

Right. I gave a handful of people a list of airlines and asked them which airline they would choose, and the winner was the airline with the lowest fare. Never mind that that airline had more accidents than all the others. I guess their life’s priorities are not family, relatives, or seeing their friends ever again. It’s CHEAP FIRST, LIFE SECOND.

I’d like to take my snake with me as carryon. I’d put him in my pack, and he wouldn’t move for the entire flight. Is there anything that says I can’t do this?

Don’t know. I guess if you can bring a dog or cat, a snake would be okay. Maybe you could put it around your neck to keep it warm and to give it some air. It could probably swim in the toilet for a refresher but would come out blue, which would be cool!

When a flight goes over international waters, do pilots become the law? Can they arrest people? Can they extort money from passengers just like real cops and judges do on land?

They sure can! Pilots are king while over international waters. If they kill someone and have good reason, it’s okay! So watch out, don’t stand on the seat and pee, or give the flight attendants grief. As for the peeing, I actually heard of a passenger doing this a while back. He didn’t pay for the indiscretion with his life,…but he was lucky.

Hybrid cars are everywhere these days, so why aren’t there hybrid planes!

Due to the freezing of the fuel at high altitudes. If you can find a fuel that can take -35 degrees Celsius for hours on end, tell the airlines, or better yet get a patent and sell it yourself. There’s a guy in Fort Lauderdale (FXE) who’s made great strides, but the FAA keeps squashing his progress. Why? I heard Bush and his cronies want to build more refineries and do more drilling in the wilderness. If you think I am crazy, go to China, look at the pollution, then shut your mouth. What American city has the most air pollutants? HOUSTON, right in Bush’s back yard. And what’s he doing about it? NOTHING!…

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline that brags about arriving on time the minute the aircraft touches down. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.