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La Jolla Shores lifeguards simultaneously prevent, ensure beach enjoyment

By Hannah Shearer

June 12, 2006

La Jolla--Getting paid to spend the entire summer at the beach, tanning oneself to perfection and toning those glinting muscles by splashing and frolicking with equally attractive co-workers: lifeguarding sounds like the kind of job people dream about. Sure, lifeguards may have to rescue the occasional wayward swimmer, but for every hairy drowning man there’s a leggy blonde who desperately needs assistance with her suntan oil, right?

Wrong. The lifeguard lifestyle is far more serious and mundane than ‘70s soft-core porn videos and “Baywatch” reruns would have us believe. A highly scientific survey––which consisted of randomly observing lifeguards at La Jolla Shores––found that the average guard is male, thirty-something and balding, hardly the lusty young mermen and mermaids the media has led us to expect. Typically, their days are spent enforcing rules of the beach, rather than participating in dramatic resuscitations or helping avert dire tanning crises.

Several initial attempts to find out what really goes on in those lifeguard towers were rebuffed. It seems that San Diego publications have a history of misquoting lifeguards, so recruits are instructed not to give interviews to reporters. One guard at La Jolla Shores advised going to the main tower and waiting for a mysterious “Sergeant Vipond,” apparently the only person allowed to answer questions. Vipond never arrived, and finally veteran lifeguard John Kerr––going on his tenth summer at the Shores––graciously agreed to talk.

Asked what he sees as his main challenge as a lifeguard, Kerr answered gravely: “The beach is a fun place, but it can also kill you. Sometimes people don’t respect the ocean for what it is. We have to prevent these people from hurting themselves.” He went on to describe some particularly outrageous and disrespectful offenses the public has committed against the ocean, such as almost drowning. “It’s unbelievable how many people we encounter offshore in kayaks who actually don’t know how to swim,” Kerr said.

While saving the lives of dumb people who don’t deserve to live is important, lifeguards at La Jolla Shores more frequently find themselves enforcing the beach’s strict ban on alcohol. This reporter was lazing around the Shores one Sunday, not even trying to research this article, when a lifeguard approached a nearby gray-haired couple to reprimand them for naïvely enjoying a few beers. “You need to take those back to your car, right now,” the lifeguard told the bewildered criminals.

To be fair, this poor man was only doing his job. “At this particular beach, it’s usually alcohol,” says Kerr. “They go out of their way to bring it here. People just don’t like to be told no.” In addition to disciplining rebellious alcohol violators, Shores lifeguards are often tasked with ticketing people for bringing dogs to the beach after official dog hours. It seems that a lifeguard’s duties, rather than foster an enjoyable beach environment, suck all the fun out of going to the beach.

Speaking of suck, it is a common misconception that lifeguards have to suck the venom out of a jellyfish sting. “They suck out the poison and then they pee on the sting, right?” asked John Dutra, a local college student, who apparently missed the course on how to properly heal marine animal-induced injuries. “Actually,” clarified Kerr, “we give people a little vinegar and rubbing alcohol.” What a disappointment to all those perverts who purposely got stung by jellyfish in hopes of getting treated with a lifeguard’s bodily fluids. “It’s surprising how many people are willing to pee on you if you get stung,” Kerr revealed. “Here’s something almost no one knows: only male urine works, and it only works for certain jellyfish.”

Ice is another substance used to treat common beach-borne maladies. Rose Abramoff, a La Jolla resident spotted leaving the lifeguard tower at the Shores, was holding a bulging purple latex glove. “It’s filled with ice,” she said, pointing to a bee-sting on her shoulder. When asked to comment on her experience with the lifeguard staff, Abramoff had this to say: “He [the lifeguard] seemed very smart. I wasn’t sure what had stung me, but he knew instantly it was a bee…I was very impressed.”

Surely San Diego lifeguards don’t spend all day diagnosing minor bug bites. When asked to elaborate on some of the more exciting aspects of the job, Kerr said he could tell us “hundreds” of stories. His best one: “Catching people having sex on the beach.” He should have told the deviant sunbathers that Black’s Beach is just a short walk away. Perhaps, though, they thought it’s more fun to perform lewd acts in front of families with small children.

One can only hope that, however tedious their day-to-day tasks are, our lifeguards are able to ensure a safe, pleasurable beach-going experience for all San Diegans. After all, being a lifeguard is “about saving lives, not taking lives...It brings the world together. I think it’s responsible for a lot of world peace.” Is this a San Diego lifeguard-philosopher talking about his job? Nope, just David Hasselhoff, talking about Baywatch––but close enough.

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Hannah Shearer is a freelance writer. This is her second article for Vyuz.com