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Keep driving your SUV, just stop eating strawberries

By Hannah Shearer

June 19, 2006

San Diego--You don’t need Al Gore to tell you that some things are bad for the environment. Setting fire to the rainforest to clear space for a nuclear waste dump is a good example. Constructing a giant dolphin net out of thousands of those plastic six-pack ring holders is another one.

However, there is one perpetrator of crimes against Mother Earth that has successfully concealed itself in our midst––hiding in fruit salads, cereal bowls, even covering itself with chocolate. We’re talking about the strawberry, and it's currently doing more harm to the ozone layer than any of the aforementioned environmental atrocities.

“[It’s] a highly toxic material that has been used as a pesticide across a wide range of agricultural sectors for many years,” says Roxanne Smith, spokesperson for the Environmental Protection Agency. Apparently, all these agricultural sectors haven’t yet made the discovery that toxic materials are bad.

Fortunately, the strawberry growers of the state of California are way ahead of the curve: Last month, the California Strawberry Commission was awarded the EPA’s Stratospheric Ozone Protection Award. This highly exclusive and prestigious award, which the EPA has given to just 485 organizations so far, honors industries that have implemented (or are looking really, really hard for) substitutes for ozone-destroying compounds like methyl bromide.

“The California Strawberry Commission has funded more than $10 million to federal and state supported research projects, the largest contribution of any agricultural group in the world,” Smith says. It’s nice that California strawberry money goes toward funding federal research, isn’t it? Thanks a lot, Oregon.

The EPA web site explains that the Commission’s donations have helped combat the “health and environmental risks of ozone depletion,” which include “skin cancer, cataracts, and damage to marine life and crops.” Basically, all of you who listened to the propaganda about strawberries being good for you should prepare to pay for your stupidity by going blind.

But wait––“damage to marine life and crops”? Could it be that the Strawberry Commission, instead of trying to make sure that our children will be able to go outside without immediately contracting skin cancer, is actually just trying to protect its own asset: the strawberry?

We may never know. However, we do know that as of right now, you should think twice before eating a strawberry, especially if it was grown out of state.

To put the problem in perspective, consider that according to Smith, a single strawberry is actually more harmful than a fleet of gas-guzzling sport utility vehicles. “Vehicle tailpipe emissions do not cause stratospheric ozone depletion…Because of the leadership of groups such as the California Strawberry Commission, growing strawberries may soon also not contribute to stratospheric ozone depletion.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer needs to hide his Hummers in the garage of the governor’s mansion; if he truly cares about the ozone, he just has to kick his strawberry habit.

So what’s the final verdict on this juicy, delicious fruit: friend or foe? Answering this question requires a trip back in time, assisted by the “Strawberry Facts” page of the Commission’s web site. According to the section on “Strawberry Lore and Legend,” Anne Boleyn––the second wife of England’s Henry VIII––had a birthmark on her neck in the shape of a strawberry.

“Unfortunately,” the paragraph continues, “some claimed this fact proved she was a witch.” Also, the Commission conveniently fails to mention, the king had Anne Boleyn beheaded.

Our British forefathers knew the strawberry was bad news, but it’s taken us almost 500 years to realize the same thing. It is about time the rest of the world followed California’s lead in attempting to clear the poor strawberry’s name once and for all, before eating them becomes as big of a crime as, say, leaving the water running while you brush your teeth.

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Hannah Shearer is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to Vyuz.com