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Aviation expert claims jet stream really exists

By Rob Potochnik

June 26, 2006

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions between games of Othello with the automatic pilot.

What is the fastest way to get off the airplane? It always takes so long.

This is what usually happens: As soon as the seat belt sign goes off EVERYONE thinks they should jump up and rush the exit. This is how stupid passengers are. The most common injuries are from passengers hitting others with their luggage. I suggest charging passengers first right to deplane, $5 per person to be in the first 20 off the aircraft, $3 for the next fifty. The cheapos get off last. This way those who work hard and smart get off first and the lazy not good ones last.

Is there a dress code, or can people wear anything they want on an airplane?

With exception of being naked anything goes. If you have a doctor's note, naked may be okay as well. The best thing to ever happen is the lifting of seating assignments. Now, you can pick who you sit next to and who to avoid. I suggest sitting next to the model or famous person. If you want to smell real stink, sit next to an airline CEO.

What do pilots consider a fair contract?

A fair contract would go like this: complimentary fish and chips on every flight, bangers and mash served on weekends, flight attendants who carry your bags, and hotel rooms with a masseuse and hot tub. As far as pay goes, we’d get the same as a CEO, since we can snuff out hundreds of lives in an instant with one mistake. CEO’s don’t have this responsibility.

Why don't commercial jets take off like harriers? It would save on runway space.

Why don’t you levitate your butt and fly through the air like a fairy instead of driving your car?

Do the latrines really flush out of the plane in midair? If so, why don't you hear more about people getting hit with pee and crap?

Well, they are only dumped over Iran. Everywhere else it goes into a holding tank to be used as fertilizer in city parks.

What can be done if kids start crying and screaming during the flight? I'm trying to sleep and these monsters keep me awake.

After consulting several people, here’re some suggestions. Take the kid’s sock off and stuff it in his or her mouth. Remove their shoe and whack them in the head. (Whack their parent as well.) Lock them in the bathroom and flush their head in the toilet. This will turn their hair blue and turn them into a smurf. Tie them down using the flight attendant’s panty hose.

Does the jet stream really exist, or is it the airlines' way of making excuses for delays?

Delays? Most of the time international flights arrive early. With a 100-plus mph tail wind, aircraft groundspeed is about 600 mph. Delays are due to drunk or late passengers. Oh, and don’t attempt to smell the fight attendants’ arms or legs as this would cause a delay as well.

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline that laid off all its pilots and now has mechanics flying the planes. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.