Rob the Pilot

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Why do airlines lose luggage, but never mail?

By Rob Potochnik

July 3, 2006

San Diego based commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while waiting in line at the new Bill and Melinda Gates "Feed a Pilot" soup kitchen at Lindbergh.

I heard that flights carry US mail. Is this true? If so, why is it that airlines lose luggage, but never lose mail?

Here’s a general rule: the more something is worth, the better the chance it will make it there. Mail is freight and pays more than your worthless piece of luggage. Your luggage is a nuisance not a help. You purchased a ticket to fly you from A to B, not all your cargo. Take a roller bag, pack for three days max (laundry machines do exist away from home) and carry it on.

Airlines should charge you for all your luggage. After all, if mail and packages are cargo why shouldn’t your luggage be? Is FEDEX losing money? Nope. 35% profit last quarter.

Do pilots have any slang for flight attendants, passengers or gate people?

No. Pilots are all business, so next time you fly don’t give the scags in the back any grief and when you get off our flying crate don’t ask the nasty-gate-agent what your next gate is. Look it up for yourself, loser!

I recently had dinner with a pilot from Lufthansa. He is 31, German, and very nice. He told me that a lot of his coworkers sleep around with the attendants when they get to different cities. Is this true or is it just that "men are men" and some of these happen to be pilots? (Sunshine7295, via the internet)

Probably both. Different airlines have different standards. In the USA, sexual harassment is just about anything these days. If you ask an attendant out, they could report you for harassment. The rules at foreign airlines, however, are different.

In addition, pilots for foreign carriers generally make more money than pilots for American carriers—that is, when you factor in the cost of living in the USA. So, they’re targets for women who are living on the edge and want to improve their lifestyle.

Also, how do I meet a pilot to date if I'm not regularly at an airport? Do they have websites or anything? (Sunshine7295, via the internet)

Hey, great question. I should make a website, “pick-up-a-pilot.com.” Then you too could date a pilot that has lost his pension, taken a 50% pay cut, is away from home 18 days per month and suffers from severe jet lag. Still interested in meeting one?

The pilot for my last flight was hot hot hot. I spotted him in the waiting area doing something with lots of paper. I love those uniforms, especially the hats. Once we were on the plane though, he blew it when he made his announcement in a stumbling voice that lacked authority and he said “umm” a lot. I kind of lost confidence, and got nervous about the flight.  Is it just the uniform? (Eimride2, via the internet)

Pilots are a different breed. While flight attendants are expected, above all, to have interpersonal skills, pilots are similarly expected to have technical expertise. They take stress well, as in, We’re going to die NOW so do something to fix the problem NOW.

As far as communicating, pilots should instill confidence and the like, but do you want your pilot concentrating on what you should know anyway? After all, you booked the flight didn’t you? The web is chock full of info about the USA, so draw a line from A to B and see what you will fly over. Then go to a website with a map and see it up close, as opposed to from 35,000 ft.

We specialize in flying you where you want to go, not in being a tour guide. Ever heard of a BOOKSTORE!

My girlfriend is a flight attendant and she always says she has to go away on business. I think she’s cheating on me! So, are there any questions I can ask to catch her up in her lies?

Sure. First ask yourself the following questions: “What good am I?” “Am I a catch?” “Do I make enough money?” “Why is she with me?” “Am I a bone head?” Then ask her the following: “Am I ugly?” “Am I a geek?” “Do you like my pimples?” “What’s that on my butt?”… “Can I borrow a ten spot?” “Bring me a beer and switch to the World Cup soccer game.” “Get out of my way! The game is on.”

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Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline with a frequent flier mile inflation rate of 1000%. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.