Aviation

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Aviation expert explains the proper way to step onto an airplane

By Paolo the Pilot

July 31, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

Do I have to do as told when the pilot says, “Please turn your attention to the flight attendant?...” The safety routine is boring. I’d rather listen to Gnarls Barkley on my iPod or see where Chester Karrass is going to be next week.

First of all, Chester is touring with Gnarls as part of the the St. Elsewhere Effective Negotiating Tour. You didn’t know that? Yeah, Chester and Danger Mouse do a duet call “Crazy…Negotiating.” Secondly, pilots don’t give the speech, the lead flight attendant does. As long as you know what to do, I don't care. Just shut up so others can hear.

Are there any cool ways to step onto an airplane? I want to impress the flight crew immediately.

Yes! Trip over your own two feet, crawl unassisted to your seat, hit your head on the overhead compartment, then have the wherewithal not to ask for anything. The perfect passenger, finally!

A Los Angeles to Washington D.C. flight had no meal, no movie, and no tunes. What did I pay my $178 for?

Petrol, Maintenance, cleaning, pilot, flight attendant, gate agent, baggage handler, ticket stock, computerized tracking, weather information, landing fees, gate fees—I could go on and on and on, but it’s no use. You’re an idiot to think this is an expensive ticket.

My father, a kind-hearted, white-haired man, was singled out for questioning while going through security in Charles de Gaulle. No explanation was given. Why would the French hone in on him?

They’re French…. He should have pulled a Zidane and head-butted the security garcon. Then we could all watch the video and try to figure you what the guy said to your father.

On the way into SAN, we flew through the smoke of a forest fire. For pilots, is there any difference between flying through smoke and flying through clouds?

Yes, smoke stinks up the aircraft. It enters through the aircraft a/c pack system and and has an acrid smell. Clouds don’t smell unless they are pollution clouds. Then we get a toxic smell and gag!

Didn’t prez Bush cancel pollution controls on oil refineries in Houston? Oh, that’s right, he did. The most polluted city in the USA and he cancelled pollution controls. Hmm, hmm, who donated the most to his campaign?

I saw American Airlines advertising their credit card on in-flight cocktail napkins. Why don’t they go all out and advertise Wendy’s and Hooters and Harrah’s Casino?

Great idea. Perhaps they could pay people in your neighborhood to tattoo the American Airlines logo on their arms, head and back and jog around the block a few million times. But would that work? Would you really pay anything more than the cheapest price you could find for a ticket? I know you too well, my friend.

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.