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Ex-frat boy’s nagging question: ‘Who'll sleep with me now?’

By Brian Swarthmore

August 7, 2006

San Diego--For many males in college, being in a fraternity is their highlight of their educational experience.

Besides the fellowship and camaraderie, many so-called frat boys also find the availability of cheap liquor and promiscuous fortune-climbing chicks to be a comfort on those cold nights when they’re waiting for the answers to tomorrow’s test to arrive.

That’s the predicament facing “Lance Parnell,” a recent business graduate from San Diego State and an alum of one of the fraternities (which he asked not be named). Before June, he was high on the hog, drinking beer every night in between gang bangs with women he describes as “horny local chicks from Grossmont College.”

But come graduation, life hit Parnell in the face.

“I was happy to graduate and get my degree but, to be honest, I figured I’d just keep partying all through the summer before going back home to Reseda and starting my career as a pharmacuetical salesman. My friends joked I had lots of experience.”

To that end, Parnell moved out of his campus pad to Pacific Beach and got a job as a bouncer at a popular Gaslamp bar and figured he’d “spend the summer bagging tourist babes.”

Alas, it hasn’t been so.

Parnell says even though he has newly installed blond highlights in his hair and knows how to say “Dude” and “Brah” with the best of them, his status as a babe magnet has dropped.

“I met this one girl and we were hitting it off and I asked her if she wanted to go to my apartment to play quarters with my roommates and she was like, ‘Whatever.’ Fuck, two months ago, that bitch would have begged to suck me off while I balanced my Pacifico on her head.”

Part of the problem he admits is that he hasn’t changed his wardrobe much since fall, wearing mostly T-shirts featuring logos from long forgotten rush parties, beer busts and other fraternity rites of passage. But he refuses to change.

“A good T-shirt is a good T-shirt. It’s like my old Playboy collection. I can’t throw out Miss May just because her month is up,” Parnell said.

Parnell has tried to hook up with some of his former conquests but none have worked out. One of them, a sorority sister, told him that now he was a graduate he was off-limits because he “was a skeevy older guy.” However, she did say she’d be willing to go out to dinner with him, provided he paid and didn’t expect any kind of sex.

He had another bad experience with a girl named “Darcy,” who he says gave him a “killer blow job” during a Spring Break trip to Lake Mead.

“I really liked her and thought it might work out once school was out. I told her I thought we had something and she told me, ‘Yeah, grounds for date rape.’ Fuck, I hate it when girls get a ‘C’ in Women’s Studies.”

Parnell says his sex life is in such a drought that he has actually considered trying to hook up with the underage women who constantly ask him to buy beer but figures that’s a loser’s game.

“They’re not interested in fulfilling my needs, just their own selfish desire to get hammered. Who needs it?”

Parnell admits things might be improving since the city is now getting an influx of foreign tourists who have a glamorized view of aging fraternity boys, thanks to movies like "Animal House." But he says that’s not an ideal situation since, as he puts it, “I have to spend all my time learning how to say ‘Suck my cock’ in other languages.”

Although Parnell is going through a difficult time sexually speaking, he says the drought has helped him in some ways. His score in Warquest has improved by leaps and bounds and he has had more time to ponder the works of great frat boy poets like Limp Biskit singer Fred Durst.

He’s even developed something of a philosophy.

“I’ve learned sex with stupid bitch hos isn’t the only thing that matters. It’s also important to get them to do your laundry as well.”

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