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Zimfa the Fake Psychic I predict you'll receive free drinks at the casino of your choice By Zimfa August 7, 2006 San Diego--This week's free reading comes on the heels of a recent trip Zimfa took to Vegas. From now until Labor Day, the stars are perfectly aligned for you to receive free drinks at the casino of your choice. Remember, though, since Ursa Minor is directing energy at Venus, you must sit for at least an hour at one of the tables, with at least $200 in chips clearly visible in front of you. This week's letters include some who are on the road to enlightenment and others who are inquiring about life beyond the trailer park for the first time. Zimfa makes no distinction between Brahman and vermin and attempts to help all....
Zimfa thanks Dr. Jack for the kind words. My b.s. has truly touched the hearts of many, including several U.S. presidents. George the elder was a big fan of Zimfa, and once asked an aide, “Who is Zimfa?” George the younger, however, is less inquisitive about the secrets of the universe. He’s been sent several readings from Zimfa via certified mail, but has yet to sign for them. ---------- Venerable Zimfa, I feel I can get back on a lucky streak at Viejas. My wife says I have a gambling problem. Zimfa, I’ve always provided for my family. I lose at the tables now and then. I used to lose at the track but I don’t bet on horses anymore. I found some loose slots at Barona, and made over $3,000. My wife wasn’t complaining then. Now I’m down on my luck and suddenly I have a problem. I’m down $11,000 over the last two weeks, and just need to get on a roll. What tables should I avoid? Are the slots still loose at the Golden Acorn? Kenny Rogers Fan in Lemon Grove The Golden Acorn has a new slots manager who’s less traveled on the road to enlightenment. Try Viejas. Yes, your luck will turn around, but you may have to borrow money from family members and co-workers to get on that streak. Remember, if you lose the money, you don’t ever have to pay it back. That’s only if you win. So, relax and enjoy life a little. Catch Alan Thicke next time he comes to Rincon. ---------- Venerable Zimfa, My daughter is in a terrible marriage with a man who has no job and no desire to get one. Her husband spends all day watching TV and at night goes out with his buddies to get drunk. She supports them by working at Sav-On six days a week, and now she’s talking about getting pregnant as a way to motivate him to get a job! I have no one to turn to, Zimfa. Please tell me what I should do. White Trash Bitch Without A Clue Zimfa must be quite clear on this. Your daughter made the mistake of modeling her marriage on the only other one she knows: Yours. Your son-in-law will continue to get drunk and spend all day watching TV – and be very happy doing it. Your daughter will get pregnant but it won’t be from her husband. They didn’t tell you this but he had his tubes while in college so he could score with chicks without getting them pregnant. Let her go. Do you have any other daughters you can spend your time thinking about? ---------- Venerable Zimfa: I want to buy a house in San Diego, but real estate is just too high. Do you see prices dropping any time soon? Stupid Enough To Rent I’ve consulted your chart, and you’re a dumb fuck. I see you suffering the ill effects of rampant optimism: an adjustable rate mortgage and balloon payment for years to come. ---------- Venerable Zimfa, I love a man named Henry, 53, a Sag. My name is Viv, I’m 51, a Leo. Do you see him in my future? Old Hag In Henderson, NV Venus is the Vegas of the solar system, Viv. It’s a hot place to be. You like action, don’t you? Henry is yours once Venus reaches its apogee from the sun. Jump Henry and fuck him senseless. What happens on Venus, stays on Venus. ---------- Honorable Zimfa: Please, help me as best you can. I’m the book keeper for our church and I recently found out that pastor M------ has been skimming off the top of the collections dish. Basically, he’s made several purchases over the last six months using parish funds: a Tag Heuer watch, Wimbledon tickets, Botox supplements. He’s a kind, decent man, and I don’t know how he could do this. What are you seeing in his future? I Still Believe In Poway The only thing worse than a psychic who won’t admit he’s a fake is a pastor who won’t admit he’s fake. God will punish him for his crimes by killing him in his sleep when he’s 99. -------------------- Zimfa is a trained fake psychic who has given thousands of unsolicited readings to celebrities throughout the film and recording industry. He can be reached at: zimfa@vyuz.com Suggested Vyuz reading... What it's like to be straight in Hillcrest | By Leopard J. Ferry San Diego Mayor talks corruption and the Strong Mayor form of government | By Larry Knowles Steve York, UCSD pornographer, chooses law over porn | By Larry Knowles The bare facts about Brazilian waxing | By Romina Cleary A look inside Imperial Beach border patrol | By Larry Knowles A serial networker walks among us | By April Labine-Katko |
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