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People I hate, and why you should hate them too

By Brian Swarthmore

August 14, 2006

San Diego--The recent hullabaloo over Mel Gibson’s drunken diatribe against Jews has missed one important point. While it’s not good to hate a whole class of people based on their color, creed, or religion, it is perfectly understandable to be prejudiced against large groups based on their annoying characteristics.

No one would have batted an eye if Gibson had complained about those frigging cat ladies who never ever get the urine smell removed from their clothing.

But no, Gibson had to pick on Jews and, therefore, missed an opportunity to educate the world about the justifiable hating of large groups of people.

People like these…..

7-11 Vegans: These annoying bastards are the folks who feel a sense of moral superiority because they don’t eat meat, yet every time you do see them, they are stuffing their faces with Big Gulps, Cheetos, Jolly Ranchers and Lemonheads (which they never share).

Add to their terrible diet their sanctimonious dealings with people who don’t share their diet. We’re forced to endure lines like:

“Well, at least, I’m not burning down the rain forest for my selfish desire for cow meat.”

“They call it beef jerky for a reason: People who eat beef are jerks! Hahahahaha!”

The worst, though, was a line that was spoken to me by a woman I dated, who would only give me a hand job –nothing else:

“Lips that eat meat will never suck this teat.”

Although Vegans claim their diet is healthier, most of them tend to miss work at a higher rate than us sickly meat eaters. Probably has something to do with the lack of protein they get from not eating nacho cheese like the rest of us.

Teenagers Who Think They’re Rebellious By Wearing Ramones T-Shirts: You see these clueless bastards at the mall, high schools and, as soon as they turn 18, at your local bong shop.

These kids usually come from repressive backgrounds, so repressive they’re under the idiotic assumption that when they wear one of these t-shirts, they’re sending a big “You suck!” message to adults.

Here’s a clue pizzaface: If a band’s music appears on a Tony Hawk videogame, they’re not counter culture. If you really want to be rebellious, start listening to Indian Sitar music or complex bebop when you’re driving in your mom’s mini van on the way to your favorite T-shirt shop.

Indie Rockers In General: These clueless dicks operate under the automatic assumption that only music that sounds like it was recorded in an abortionist’s waiting room by nasal-voiced peons, out-of-tune guitarists and a rhythm-less drummer is somehow more “real” than music recorded by people who’ve actually taken the time to do things right.

Oh, there was a time when the Punk Ideal of “Anyone Can Do It” had its day (July 31, 1977, to be exact), but now that punk is mainstream, it seems that everyone is searching frantically for the NEXT BIG THING THAT SUCKS.

If you know music, it’s ironic and sometimes fun to find songs and bands that suck so hard they’re good. These days, however, no one realizes what sucks anymore, so legitimately good bands are forced to let their talents deteriorate enough that some jerkface with a ProTools set up and an “Indie Label” in his Dad’s tool shed will build a myspace site dedicated to them.

Here’s my advice: If you see anyone who fits the descriptions above, yell, “Fucking bastards! Mel Gibson should’ve singled you out instead!’’

Thank you for your support.

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