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Commentary (continued) A men's guide to the top plays women run on Match.com The Fast Widow This lightening-quick maneuver occurs at the end of the date, when your female friend sees you out of the bar or restaurant then hangs out to prospect for eligible males. It typically coincides with, or immediately follows, the Hug of Death. Most men don’t recognize the Fast Widow because it occurs so quickly. One minute, you think you’re heading for the parking lot together, the next minute she’s given some excuse to stay on the premises. Common lines include “You go ahead. I’m just going to use the ladies room,” and “You know, I really like the tapas here. I think I’ll order something to go.” Some of you guys might be thinking that the Fast Widow doesn’t really exist, that it’s not a real play. Not a real play? Get your head out of your ass, Melvin! I’ve been one of those eligible males—I’ve taken a Match Widow home! In my case, it was a woman I’d met online about a year earlier. She was on a Match date at the La Jolla Brewhouse when I happened to walk in. An hour later, she sent her date to the parking lot and stuck around to “use the ladies room.” While her poor date stood out by his car for ten minutes, she lingered around the rest rooms waiting for him to leave. My two buddies and I watched it all happen. Eventually, she slinked over to our table, gave me a come-hither look and said, “I can stay out.” Unfortunately, defending against a Match Widow is futile. If she wants to stay, she’s going to stay. You could stick around in the parking lot like the poor guy at the Brewhouse did. But, do you really want to find out why she stayed behind? Your best option is to leave the venue straight away, drive home, and toss her number. The Offline Trap If, on your date, the female announces, “My Match.com membership is expiring soon and I’m not going to renew,” don’t take this as a sign that she’s slowing down or disengaging from the site. She’s not going anywhere. The only thing she’s disengaging from is you. What she’s telling you is you’ve just been “blocked,” that in a few hours (as soon as she gets near a keyboard) she’s going to prevent you from ever viewing her profile again. When you punch in her account, you’ll get a message that says, “The profile you requested is no longer available.” And because you believed that she’s one of those special ones who’s fed up with all the game-playing, you’ll assume her account just ran out. Don’t ever underestimate a Match.com female. They’re not out to collaborate, they’re out to win. And for every winner, there has to be a loser. In this case, it’s you. You’ll get home and realize that you don’t have any real-world contact info for her, just a cheesy Match.com e-mail address, something like sdlips4you@talkmatch.com. You’ll send a few pings to the e-mail address, but of course, you’ll get nothing. Then you’ll assume and that she’s sitting at home reflecting on her three years on Match.com, nurturing a special fondness for the very last guy she went out with. Keep thinking that way, Gomer, and your genetic code will never get passed on. You want to see how reflective she’s been over the past 48 hours? Create a separate Match.com account and punch in her profile. She’ll be there, with the little red phrase by her photo that says, “Active within last 3 hours.” To defend against this move, drop in at some point during the date that you have a second profile that you use from time to time. Tell her you just like to shop anonymously. She’ll be able to relate to that. (continued) Suggested Vyuz reading... What it's like to be straight in Hillcrest | By Leopard J. Ferry San Diego Mayor talks corruption and the Strong Mayor form of government | By Larry Knowles Steve York, UCSD pornographer, chooses law over porn | By Larry Knowles The bare facts about Brazilian waxing | By Romina Cleary A look inside Imperial Beach border patrol | By Larry Knowles A serial networker walks among us | By April Labine-Katko |
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