Zimfa the Fake Psychic

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I'm frequently recognized by my peers

By Zimfa

August 14, 2006

San Diego--Zimfa was not harmoniously aligned with the croupier at the craps table at Viejas this weekend, and was abruptly asked to leave the premises. To unenlightened casino employees, it appeared that Zimfa had moved his chips after the dice were thrown. Zimfa maintains, however, that he was merely adjusting his stack. After being shown video tape of the alleged infraction, Zimfa's line of credit was taken away and he was given a six-month ban.

Today's free reading comes from Zimfa's attempt to get a little roll together for a trip to Vegas next month. If you deposit coins at a newspaper box, you may take as many newspapers as you like!

Venerable Zimfa, I met a really cute guy who rides one of those pedicabs down by Petco Park. He gave me his e-mail address and suggested we go out some time. I don’t think it’s too cool that he drives one of those cycle cabs. To me that’s one step above homelessness, and a few rungs below playing the tin whistle in O.B. for roaches and loose change. Should I go out with him, Zimfa, or is there no hope for us? Lisa, 28, Del Mar

Oh, child, the laws of spiritual love are very clear about this: Pedicab guys are only good for booty calls, not actual dating. The accuracy with which you stereotype pedicab drivers—especially the “one step above homelessness” comment—suggests you have great psychic understanding and can fill in for Zimfa when he goes on a bender, as fake psychics are wont to do.

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Venerable Zimfa,

Love your column! Here’s a question for you. The city of San Diego is in awful financial shape and everyone in power says that they never saw it coming. How about you, Z, did you see it coming? If so, why didn’t you speak up to help prevent our city from sinking into the muck?

T. Flagon, 34, Normal Heights

Zimfa prefers discordance to the term “muck.” He did see the discordance coming, but had much to gain financially by remaining silent. Zimfa is willing to look the other way on long-term civic crises if it means being able to buy a nice Craftsman home in Mission Hills.

Go in peace, and consider buying in Mission Hills.

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Venerable Zimfa,

I’m a member of the San Diego Astrological Society and I’ve never heard of you. What are your qualifications to give psychic readings, or “fake” psychic readings, I should say? Have you ever been accredited or recognized by your peers in any way?

MY, 48,

Zimfa is very qualified. In fact, he qualifies everything by saying, “You probably think this is bullshit – and you’re right.…” Zimfa would also like to say that his peers have recognized him, several times, as he’s consulted the slot machines at Barona and the Golden Acorn.

Go in peace and watch out for Uranus.

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Venerable Zimfa:

Will I get laid this weekend?

Dennis J, DOB: 3/12/82

Oh, my poor Pisces. Astrology books make millions off your clueless ways, and fake psychics like me make millions more by telling you what you already know.

Zimfa says the best way to predict carnal love is to remember this simple axiom: If you have to ask, you already know the answer.

Go in peace and forget about getting a piece.

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Venerable Zimfa,

I stumbled across your column on the internet and just wanted to tell you what a crock of shit you are. You admit you’re a fake psychic, but still dish out the b.s.? Does anyone believe your crap? Get a real job! (Anonymous)

Anonymous

Fake psychics such as Zimfa have long dealt with naysayers. The important thing to remember is that while my predictions may be bullshit to you and me, they’re enormously helpful to someone who has a serious problem and unable to get real help.

Go in peace.

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