Paolo the Pilot

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Aviation expert explains why flight attendants are no longer very attractive

By Paolo the Pilot

August 21, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

Why do pilots roll their luggage like the flight attendants do? It’s not a very macho look. In fact, you guys look like pussies. Can you guys please start carrying duffels to and from your flights? I’d feel better about my flight and Western society in general.

Well, you jackass, let me ask you this: WHO invented the roller bag? It was a Northwest Airlines PILOT. He lives somewhere in south Florida and is retired with a million in his pocket. It’s the flight attendants who are copying the pilots, not the other way around. As for being a real man, women like guys who are good listeners, caring, and considerate. They like guys who give them nice surprises when they least expect it, not one-dimensional macho big-talkers. Ask any woman. I’m 100% correct on this.

If a guy in a turban and a long beard gets up and starts yelling, “$#%@ Bush! $#%@ Bush!” what should I do?

Join him! Get a chant going, and the wave, too! Start the wave on one side of the aisle at the back, then get one going on the opposite side. Do a double airplane wave complete with chanting. Then have everyone take off their tee shirts and wrap them around their heads. This will send a clear protest message to your flight crew.

The flight attendant said that my seat cushion floats, as if that’s supposed to console me. If there were ever an accident, luggage, parts of the wing, empty beer cans, and corpses would also float. Why didn’t she mention that?

The answer is obvious, but look who I’m talking to. She thought you knew this answer and didn’t want to bore you with the details. But, as we all can see, you’re just not that smart and probably need a picture and treasure map to find your way out of a burning aircraft.

I’ve never understood the point of confirming your flight 48 hours in advance. What would happen that far out? What’s the point? Confirming six hours beforehand, I understand. There could be a cancellation due to weather. Why two days early?

I have no idea. I’ve never heard of this and don’t want to. Sounds like they want to boost the hit counts on their website. The more hits, the more money they can charge for advertising. Pretty smart, actually. Maybe I should do this. Whenever someone reads my articles I get one peanut. After I fill an entire bag, I go to the zoo, feed the elephants, they poop, and I take their poop and sell it for a high price to the electric company as modified coal. Hmm, Hmm need more thought on this.

I didn’t like the snack I received on my flight to Dulles and head-butted the flight attendant in the chest. D.C. cops were waiting for me when we deplaned and I’m now facing a three year sentence and $10,000 fine. Would you please tell me if and when it’s okay to head-butt an airline employee?

The answer is never. But you can head butt prejudice anytime. If you see someone discriminating against another individual or group, go ahead and give them a head butt. This is perfectly okay. The head-butt will straighten out the prick and make him feel like he ran 10 miles in a minute. Have your buddy film the head-butt and the reason you head-butted him, in case you’re hauled before a judge.

I got a question. Airlines clearly don’t hire flight attendants on looks anymore. Is that the case, or is it that no good looking women want to be flight attendants these days?

Look at it like you’re an airline CEO. You cut their pay 40%, have them stay in crummy hotels with short overnights, and run them ragged with 14-hour work days. Would you expect a real knockout to take this type of job? Let’s see, she could be a million-dollar model or an overworked, underpaid, sleepless flight attendant…and have passengers give her crap. What a great opportunity!

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.