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Zimfa the Fake Psychic Lately, music has been falling from the heavens By Zimfa August 21, 2006 San Diego--Zimfa likes the sitar as much as the next psychic, which isn't very much. Nonetheless, the sitar can come in handy to an absolutely shite psychic such as myself. On occasion I like to lard my readings with a little sitar work to make my b.s. more palatable to paying customers. The problem is, Zimfa doesn't much care for paying $17.95 for music he has no intention of listening to himself. Luckily, a Nigerian friend of Zimfa's introduced him to an African music-sharing community called Limewire, where songs are passed from listener to listener according to Bantu tradition. So far, it's been absolutely fabulous, and Zimfa has made many many friends, 1,743 to be exact. Today's free reading comes from Zimfa's mystical experience with the Nigerians. If you join an African music-sharing community, such as Limewire or Morpheus, you can get any song you want, absolutely free!
Child, he isn’t staying away from you because of the cat. In fact, he loves a little pussy. The problem is your unfinished tattoo. If it’s a dolphin, get the work done so it looks like a dolphin. Right now, it just looks like a semi-erect penis, and it’s really turning him off. Winnie, on the other hand, has a fully formed pattern just above her ass, and Derrick just loves to pound away while looking at the little patchwork. Evita’s real name is Ngyaaaangnyow, by the way, so stop calling her by the silly name you gave her. She doesn’t call you Sssstssuhh (an equally silly name in the cat world). ---------- Venerable Zimfa, I found out that the two men who are renting one of my apartments are a couple of queers. I don’t much like having tenants who are living in sin, and want them off my property. The apartment is less than a mile from our church, and I’m concerned about my standing with the Lord. Mr. Zimfa, please consult my chart. When will they leave? Russell J., 58, Poway, DOB: 4/22/48 As a stubborn Taurus, you have a tendency to stick to your guns. However, you’re missing the point here. Yes, those sodomites are living in sin, but gay people bring up property values. In fact, the absolutely ideal client among real estate agents is a gay Asian grad student. I would overlook your tenants’ sordid sexual existence and concentrate on the bottom line. ---------- Venerable Zimfa, I’m very concerned about little Suri Cruise. Why haven’t we seen her yet? ttbearhug, via the internet There’s a discrepancy over some money that the Church of Scientology generously gave Zimfa several years ago, and Zimfa’s counsel has advised him not to discuss the Church or its members. Suri Cruise, however, is not yet a Scientologist. Eh, I hear that she is living the life of a normal infant, cleansing herself of Thetans thrice daily while nursing on uncle L. Ron’s special Barley Formula. ---------- Venerable Zimfa: You’re the last person I’d consult, but what the hey. Nothing else has worked. I’m a successful lawyer, I have a nice house with an ocean view in Del Mar, and I drive a late model Audi. I stay fit, and I don’t have any bad habits or addictions. You’d think I’m happy, right? Wrong. I’m miserable. I can’t find a good woman. I think you’re full of shit, but what do you see in my future? Is there a woman there—and don’t pull out any of that “Mars retrograde” crap, by the way. Les Mis, 38, Del Mar, dob: 5/26/68 As a Gemini, you are going through a difficult time not because Mars is in retrograde but because a Pisces is in Uranus. You’re too nice a guy for any decent woman to want you. Unfortunately, I can’t prescribe any recreational drugs to make you more attractive. But I do recommend you start selling them, especially in Del Mar. The guy who usually supplies stuff there is going to get caught dealing on the terrace of Epizote and go to prison for a long time. ---------- Venerable Zimfa, San Diego mayor Jerry Sanders is looking more like Boris Yeltsin every day. Not only does he have the white hair, ruddy complexion, and stocky build of the former Soviet leader, but he’s gone back on promises, turned on allies, and sold out to big business. What does his chart say, and are he and Yeltsin kindred spirits? D. Frye, 48, Clairmont Mesa Jerry Sanders is nothing like Boris Yeltsin. Yeltsin liked Elvis and vodka. Jerry Sanders likes Pink Floyd and sucking up to rich folks. As you can see, nothing similar there. -------------------- Zimfa is a trained fake psychic who has given thousands of unsolicited readings to celebrities throughout the film and recording industry. He can be reached at: zimfa@vyuz.com Suggested Vyuz reading... What it's like to be straight in Hillcrest | By Leopard J. Ferry San Diego Mayor talks corruption and the Strong Mayor form of government | By Larry Knowles Steve York, UCSD pornographer, chooses law over porn | By Larry Knowles The bare facts about Brazilian waxing | By Romina Cleary A look inside Imperial Beach border patrol | By Larry Knowles A serial networker walks among us | By April Labine-Katko |
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