Zimfa the Fake Psychic

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Take advantage of my new sixteen-digit numerology readings

By Zimfa

August 28, 2006

San Diego--Zimfa hasn’t done so well at the track this week. He stopped by Del Mar with the hopes of building up a little roll, but was beset by what former Fed chairman and Zimfa fan Alan Greenspan calls “irrational exuberance.” Zimfa picked the first race trifecta and blew his whole wad on a trio of nags that should’ve been euthanized in the paddock before the race.

So Zimfa is having a hard time concentrating this week. However, whatever doesn’t kill a fake psychic makes him stronger, and Zimfa has come up with an exciting new service for those in need of prudent advice: credit card readings.

Zimfa is now offering exclusive, detailed readings of you or a loved one’s credit card. Just send credit card numbers, along with the holder’s full name, expiration dates and the four-digit security number on the back to zimfa@vyuz.com. Remember, Zimfa needs all of this information to get a proper astrological reading. Act now and together we can unleash the spiritual potential of Visa, MasterCard, and Discover.

Venerable Zimfa, I think my sixteen year old son has an eating disorder. I went into his room the other day and found a digital scale, Ziploc bags, and an assortment of Ho-Ho’s, Dorito’s, and Gummy Bear wrappers. I’m pretty sure he’s measuring out his food and eating it in very unhealthy quantities. He’s also lost a lot of weight and become quite surly. What should I do? James, Encinitas, dob: 8/25/62

Is there a smell emanating from his room like that of thousand-year-old Cheeto’s? Do you see little bits of dried parsley at the bottom of his sock drawer? Did you find a tall, skinny Nalgene bottle with a stem in his closet?

If so, breath a sigh of relief. Your son doesn’t have an eating disorder. He’s simply discovered what Zimfa and his friends call “Eastern religion.”

But like any non-Christian religion, your son can get in too deep and be in need of intervention. If in a few months his religious zeal shows no signs of abating, ask yourself the following questions: “Does he listen to a band called 'Phish?'” "Does he actually enjoy their music?" “Is he suddenly interested in numerology, particularly the number 420?” If the answer to any of these is "yes," take him on a three-week camping trip to Eastern Montana and sweat the religion out of him.

Go in peace.

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Venerable Zimfa,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? (Chuck Wood, Woodchuck, MO)

Chuck Wood, Woodchuck, MO

The question is this: If a woodchuck could chuck wood, would he be the type of woodchuck who tried to better his best, or just did what’s necessary, the bare minimum of what’s expected? Woodchucks who are Capricorns are more likely to be this way, while woodchucks who are, say, Pisces, are prone to day dreaming and would therefore slow down production. Unless Zimfa has the birth date for said woodchuck, he cannot answer your question.

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Venerable Zimfa,

My husband Dean worked for a flower delivery service until he threw out his back and went on disability three years ago. The disability ran out three months ago and our family is really in a tough spot. Dean’s back still hurts and he’s smoking a lot of pot to help the pain go away. He’s a fighter, though, and he keeps his spirits up by playing video games with the children and bowling three nights a week. I just took a second job waitressing to pay the bills and I’m just wondering if my husband will ever be well enough to work again. (Judith, dob: 12/28/72)

Judith, dob: 12/28/72

Go to the Golden Acorn and play craps when a croupier named Lisette is working the table. Zimfa did a very deep, probing reading of Lisette in the parking lot behind the casino six weeks ago, and since then, she's helped Zimfa and his friends get on many a hot streak.  When you're at the table, make the call sign, a "Z" in the air with your index finger, and you'll find your chip stack growing in minutes.

If you can't make it to the Acorn, though, just play the lottery as much as you can each week until you win something substantial. I know you'll win something eventually, because if 100 monkeys sit at 100 typewriters for 100 years, one of them will eventually type a very successful teenage sex comedy.

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Venerable Zimfa,

Six months you said that my ex-wife would come back to me. Well, ZIMFUCK, she just announced she’s going to marry the owner of the plumbing company that installed our sinks two years ago. Thanks for the SOUND advice.

Eddie, Murietta, dob: 7/7/68

Like many Cancers, you are sensitive to a fault and tend to concentrate on yourself rather than Zimfa. If you weren’t so self absorbed, you might realize that your ex-wife is trying to make things right by marrying the rich plumber, taking out a large insurance policy on him, hiring a minor to kill him, collecting the money and using the payout so that she and you can make a real life together. But then again, you’ve always leaned towards self-righteousness, haven’t you?

Go in peace, manchild.

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