Paolo the Pilot

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Comair accident likely due to pilot fatigue, not CEO fatigue

By Paolo the Pilot

September 4, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

How could that pilot in Lexington choose the wrong runway? Is this the sort of thing that happens on occasion, the pilot just taking the wrong runway?

Probable cause: pilot fatigue.

The pilots probably arrived at their hotel at 10 p.m. and were back in the seat at 6 a.m. This leaves time for only a few hours of sleep after a long grueling day. We’ll see what the final outcome is, but I’m sure fatigue will be part of the cause. Pilot fatigue is noted in many accidents, but the FAA caves in to airline management pressure to keep maximum flying time very high. Thus, accidents will continue.

An airplane has a nose, a tail, and a body. We’re all adults here. Does is have a penis?

Yes. Anytime you’re on the flight.

The flight attendant button above my seat showed a woman in a skirt, so when I pushed the button I expected a female to arrive. Unfortunately, a male flight attendant showed up. When I told him I wanted a female flight attendant, as advertised on the button, he refused to help and was very unresponsive. I’d like to complain to the airline. What recourse do I have?

I think passengers should have the right to request the type of attendant they want during the booking process. This way, everyone can have their needs met. Some will get a masseuse, some a beautician, some a clothing designer and others a dog lover. Just think of it: a personal attendant that not only caters to your every need, but loves the same things you do!

This process should be tested from the front and work its way backwards. Pilots first, everyone else last. We screen the best then you get the rest.

I heard there’s a non-profit called Angel Flight that helps people with urgent medical needs get free air transportation. I’m scheduled for breast augmentation surgery next month in Philadelphia but don’t have the money to get there. What’s your opinion? Do I qualify?

Sure, but first apply for the new brain. This type of flight is for people in critical need and your breasts are NOT critical. After receiving your brain, try reading a book or playing the ukulele. Add a little depth to your character to your personality. A lot of men—airline CEOs in particular—have no balls, but you don’t see them getting testicular implants.

I’m an astrologer and it’s very important for me to know the pilot’s birthday before I get on a flight. If the pilot’s sign is in retrograde, I’m not flying. Is there any way I can get this info? Is it okay to ask the pilots their birthday?

Sure you can ask. Don’t expect to go anywhere afterwards, though. If you came up to me and asked for my birthday, I’d give it to you. Then I’d call security. Just before you were removed from the flight I’d let you know I had a vision too, and mine didn’t include you on the flight. So whose vision is better? Who has the better crystal ball? Who should be the astrologer? Who should have the website named www.flying-astrologer-who-knows-all-and-kicks-your-ass-off-the-airplane.com?

I play a lot of fighter pilot video games and always kick ass. My friends think I should become a real pilot. What do you think? Would video games show what an awesome pilot I would be?

OK, you’re good at games. I am good at names, so here’s how it goes. If you call yourself a “pilot” and I call myself “reality,” you lose. If you call yourself a “pilot” and I call myself “Airline CEO,” you lose again. If you call yourself a “pilot” and I call myself “Joe Pilot,” you could get lucky—we just don’t keep tabs on each other. If you call yourself a “pilot” and you want to be a real pilot, then “Joe Pilot,” “reality,” and “Airline CEO” will evaluate your skills and determine which vocational asylum to send you to.

How should I address the co-pilot? If I see the captain, I say, “Hello, captain.” But I can’t say, “Hello, co-pilot.”

Call him or her Captain. It will make for a smoother flight (i.e. less floating items in the cabin, less or your stomach in your throat, and an overall more pleasant flight). Direct all questions to any pilot as though you were talking to the Captain of the aircraft. For example, “Captain, where can I place your tip?” or “Captain, can I offer you another job since yours has been cut 40+%?” or “Captain, here is my phone number. Call me if you need anything.”

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.