Zimfa the Fake Psychic

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Zimfa laid low by spiritual devotion

By Zimfa

September 4, 2006

San Diego--This past weekend, Zimfa was given a last-minute invite to a record-release party for a member of the hip-hop community, and in a matter of hours went from sitting shiva to shitting Chivas.

Zimfa and a colleague at the University of Phoenix have traced "Chivas" back to the Hindu word "shiva," which means, roughly translated, "devotion." Zimfa is still feeling the effects of nearly 14 hours of devotion, and will return next week with his free reading.

Venerable Zimfa, My husband likes to see me dressed up in slutty lingerie, and sometimes takes photos of me like this with my legs spread. I've obliged, but last week was too much. He had me get naked on all fours on our couch and spread my legs while he stood behind me masturbating and taking photos. I don't much care for his behavior and would like him to stop. Zimfa, what does my chart say? (Corinne, 42, Barstow, CA, dob: 3/24/64) Corinne, 42, Barstow, CA, dob: 3/24/64

Your husband is what Zimfa and his fellow mystics call a “seer.” He sees what others do not. Zimfa was briefly a seer when he lived near the Archer School for Girls in Los Angeles, until he was forcibly detained by campus security beneath the window sill of the girls’ locker room back in ’97.

Unfortunately, seers are not accepted in mainstream society, and Zimfa must now register with local authorities whenever he moves.

We must fight religious intolerance, and you can do your part by embracing your husband’s newfound spirituality.

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Venerable Zimfa,

Weird coincidences have been happening in my life. There seems to be a pattern here. I keep dating guys who wind up getting laid off within, at the most, 2 months of our knowing each other. Am I emitting a lose-your-job vibe or something? What should I do? Thanks for your insight.

“Baby,” no dob, hometown

We all have a purpose in life and yours is to be a healer for those who experience a significant loss. But for those to heal, you have to be there before the loss occurs. I assume you also take care of dogs with missing legs.

Rest assured, you will be meeting a man soon who will not lose his job after he meets you. Instead, he will lose his mind. I would read up on the effects of anti-depressants and alcohol.

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Venerable Zimfa,

I'm a single mother and I don't have enough money to pay my rent this month. I'm desperate and will do anything to get the money. What does my chart say?

Gloria, 21, Chula Vista, dob: 4/3/85

Your chart says that you will be coming over to my condo in Paranormal Heights for some personal counseling. Zimfa will help you raise the money through a private therapy session that will later be made available for online viewing for all of Zimfa's loyal patrons. Please wear something skimpy and pick up a six-pack on the way.

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Venerable Zimfa,

They have a gay rodeo that comes to town once a year 'round where I live. I didn't mind it much, because it's good for the local economy an such. But this year I'm thinkin I don't like it. My husband has been hanging around the rodeo grounds an awful lot. And yesterday I drove by and saw him millin' around the stables, drinkin' beer with a bunch of shirtless cowboys. Have I lost my man to the rodeo, Zimfa?

Linda, 31, Riverside, dob:11/24/75

Yes, child, you have indeed lost your man to the rodeo. But fear not: Homosexuality is cyclical. In fact, your husband has been passed around among the stable hands and cowboys exactly twice now. In a few days, the rodeo will leave, and you’ll get your little rough rider back. He’ll apologize and swear that he’ll never do anything like that again--that is, until the rodeo comes back next year. Sometimes symmetry can be so comforting.

A word of caution: His felatio is exceptional these days, and he’ll know when you’re not putting in a full effort.

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