Paolo the Pilot

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American Airlines AAdvantage card earns no points on date

By Paolo the Pilot

September 11, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

What is the least safe airline in the world?

Good question. Many government-operated airlines don’t release statistics on crashes. The continent with the most crashes is Africa. When you crash, the animals eat you prior to rescuers arriving. This makes for easy cleanup and leaves only a few bags to take away.

I went out with a Continental pilot a few weeks ago. At the end of dinner, I insisted on picking up the check. Unfortunately, I didn’t think things through, and pulled out my AAdvantage credit card. He got offended and stormed off. Needless to say, no sex for Julia. How could I have saved the situation?

If you had pulled out your American Express Gold card and said something like, “Hey, baby, I’m first class all the way,” he’d be able to relate. Pulling out a rewards card doesn’t really cut it. It’s like saying, “Hey, baby, I’m coach all the way.”

Guys, always take a good looking woman somewhere she does not often go. Taking her to a high-priced restaurant puts her in HER element, not yours. Plus, she’s done this many times before. Take her to the batting cage or the roller rink. This will let you evaluate her true personality, whether she’s a keeper or a kick’er-outer.

What do pilots think of Airbus? I mean, the company equates planes with buses, which means you guys would be bus drivers. I’ve always thought you were bus drivers, but never rubbed it in. Airbus, on the other hand…

You are correct. Since real pilots’ pay has gone down 40% or more, REAL pilots have left the airline industry for non-flying jobs. This leaves the skies to rookies, unskilled pilots, or—worse yet—pilots who were un-hirable in the first place. Skilled pilots don’t work for peanuts, elephants do.

I sometimes see commercial planes using headlights to cut through the darkness on the approach while others don’t use them. Do all planes have headlights? When does a plane use them?

Most airlines have rules on when to turn on lights. The captain is king, though, and they usually do what they feel ensures the safety of the flight. Personally, Paolo lands better with no headlights. Others land with a flashlight sticking out the window, and some with just a penlight stuck in their mouth. To each their own, I guess.

You know, in Japan you guys are referred to as “pirates.” Is this just Japanese xenophobia, or do you guys do a little plundering?

Plundering! What, us? We don’t plunder. I think you meant “plumbing.” Yes, we are good at getting through the crap and finding solutions. When we find a big problem, we kick butt and flush the crap down the drain. Yes, we are plumbers at heart and our heart is filled with joy and glee.

I heard about a new airline seat belt that restrains children’s upper torso, and that got me to thinking: Why don’t planes have the same type of over-the-shoulder seat belts that autos have?

Really, does it matter when you hit the ground at 450 mph? Unless you have an 18 kg space suit, you’re toast.

As far as infants go, if pilots do an emergency stop at 100 kts and you went cheap by NOT buying your infant a seat, the chance of you holding on to your little bundle of joy is about nil. Your bundle of joy will go flying out of your arms and get crushed by whatever it hits. BANG! Oops, should have purchased a ticket. Guess I’ll have to make another one during one of those conjugal visits in the big house.

Thunderstorms near Reno. Fifteen minutes of total, corkscrewing, bucking turbulence. From the cockpit and galley, not a peep. I spent the time consoling my eight-year-old twins and wondering if this was the seven-minutes-of-terror mentioned in air disaster tort cases. Here's the question: What do you think about during turbulence? Would you have mentioned something to the passengers? When do you get nervous?

Hey, you picked the airline, not me. Some airlines do a great job avoiding weather by way of avoidance routes. Northwest Airlines has been collecting data on bumpy routes for over 50 years, so they avoid these routes when conditions dictate. Other airlines fly according to best fuel economy or fastest route. You get what you pay for.

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.