Paolo the Pilot

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Why American Airlines planes look so dirty

By Paolo the Pilot

September 26, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

American Airlines’ paint job is so old and outdated it looks like a battle-weary flag. Don’t they know their planes look like crap, or don’t they care?

American Airlines, like most airlines, is hurting for cash, so no one is painting anything unless they have to. The airlines aren’t going to spend much washing their planes, either. The plane I saw the other day was so dirty it looked like it came from a pig farm. The CEO probably doesn’t drive a filthy car, but he expects you to fly in a vat of garbage. Someone suggested calling the toll free number and reporting the dirty planes. Hey, perhaps if AA has to pay for thousands of free calls, they would start treating passengers like the farmer, not the pig.

A news report said a passenger tried to open the plane door in-flight. Can this be done, or is it too heavy with air pressure?

Can’t be done, not even by the Incredible Hulk or the more docile Jolly Green Giant. All aircraft are pressurized, which means air is pumped into the plane in the same way that air fills a scuba tank. Imagine, if you can, trying to open a small door on the inside of a scuba tank with a lot of PSI holding it closed. Doors in planes are “plug” doors, which means they’re like a cork in a hole, with pressure holding them closed.

I heard flight crews get bed bugs all the time is this really the truth?

Flight crews stay at hotels from 8 to 18 days per month. Since 9-11, the hotels have gotten crappier and crappier, so lousy hotels are the norm. Bugs abound and your good friend Paolo got two the other day. Little buggers bit me on the legs. I tried to bit them back, kick their little butts and toss’em out of bed, but they’re too small to see and catch.

Do passengers thank the pilots deplaning or just during the holidays?

This is the Golden Rule, so listen closely, my humble patrons. It is a universal truth, without exception: ALL passengers thank you while deplaning when the flight was very bumpy, and rife with lightning, turbulence, and people throwing up. Otherwise, they could care less about how they got from A to B or how much experience the pilots have. Period!

Hmm, hmmm, maybe pilots should provide bumpy rides during all pay negotiations? Just a thought. After all, if we make one wrong move during landing, we could put everyone off the runway and into the rough with a tough chip shot back to the green.

Do planes get roaches or mice after all doesn’t cargo have bugs sometimes?

Yes, I have seen roaches, mosquitoes, ants, flies, palmetto bugs, a mouse, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Airlines should have a contest—whoever finds the most bugs wins a free ticket. This will keep the planes bug free, provide entertainment, keep passengers awake and, most of all, scare the girls. Fun had is fun made. Bring your own plastic roaches for maximum entertainment.

Sweaty seats! I sat down and was soaked with someone’s sweat. YUCK! What can I do? File a lawsuit? protest in the streets? What?

I know just what you are talking about. Had it happen the other day. A big man, as in 400 pounds, was sitting in the seat next to me. When he left, I slid over to get out and man was it hot and wet. I think he peed on the seat. I suggest two things. First, take the initiative and pee on your seat first. Second, bring your own anti microbial seat towel. (I have a design on this, patent pending now.) To recap, pee and win, or be wet and wonder.

What happens to the old blankets on the aircraft? Do they give them to charity or what?

All blankets, seat covers and rugs are made to be fire retardant, a specification that took a huge effort by the unions, as management quoted cost above passenger safety. If a fire breaks out, grab a blanket, place it over your head, and follow flight crew instructions. MOST of the time, as in 98%, it is better to stay on the aircraft after an accident. Imagine a fireman trying to put out a fire with hundreds of people running everywhere. He could shoot at them like a shooting gallery at a carnival. Yep, that would be fun!

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.