Paolo the Pilot

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Aviation expert: When airline passengers think Ted, they think Ted Koppel

By Paolo the Pilot

October 3, 2006

Paolo is the Vyuz aviation expert and a commercial airline pilot for a US carrier. He regularly answers reader questions about flight, flying, and aviation.

I know I can’t smoke on planes, so I chew tobacco whenever I fly. The problem is, I make little spitting noises when I spit into my plastic bottle, and sometimes a string of drool falls onto my shirt. People look at me funny, as though I have a problem. Do I have a problem, Paolo?

Problem, I see no problem. I think others may have a problem, but YOU, no way. I think like this: If a bad guy were to act up, would you spit in their eye and blind them? If the answer is YEP! then you are good to go. Spit, spit, spit. Swallowing not an option.

Is it acceptable to look over someone’s shoulder and watch the DVD that’s playing on their computer?

I think it’s not only okay, but mandatory. If someone has the nerve to play a movie without allowing you the opportunity to listen, then watch away. After all, we are in this big blue world together and together we stand. P.S.: You get the added benefit of not paying for a crappy movie.

Who turns on the ignition to the airplane and how is it done? Is there a button, a key?

What the heck do you think we carry in our black bags, shoe polish? Each pilot carries a ton of keys, each coded for our eyes only. We decode the number on the aircraft, find the correct key and turn the puppy on. Vroom-vroom!

What do you and your pilot friends think of the name “Ted” for an airline? I think it’s too casual. Flying is serious business and the name has no place in commercial aviation.

TED is the last letters of UNITED, as in Airlines. Some Poindexter thought this would be a great thing, but anyone who knows anything about branding knows you can’t brand the name TED. Passengers would just think of Ted Koppel, and that image isn’t going to sell many tickets. The airline is meant to be casual, and since all you care about is the price of your ticket, why don’t you go pound sand!

Hey, what’s the favorite part of an airplane for a frog?...Rivet.

That comes in second, actually. The first is “cricket” because they infest most airplanes and frogs love them. They are like crunchy candy with a soft warm middle. Yep, tasty treats for a tasty set of legs, as in frog’s legs.

You know what annoys me—it’s when the flight attendants say “Welcome to so-and-so airport” no more than five seconds after the plane touches down. The trip isn’t over yet, sweetheart! We still have to decelerate 200-300 mph, avoid all the other planes, and make it safely to the gate. Why do flight attendants mess with fate like this?

Because they can and because you can do nothing about it. They like to mess with your head, play tricks on you and even pee into your drinks. That’s why they smile when passengers are deplaning, because they remember exactly who was naughty and who was nice, who received spiked drinks and who received double rum and cokes. They’ve turned into instant Santa’s, so ya better not shout, ya better not cry…

If I see lightning outside how safe is it? Can it come into the airplane and injure us all?

It’ll kill you dead in a second, partner. Now, don’t you be alarmed, because we ain’t takin’ any crap from any Mother Nature. Ever hear of the bolt from hell? Well, we have our own instant bolt killer onboard. When we see lightning, we push a button the aircraft is instantly surrounded with electromagnetic shield that blocks out all living and non-living things. Kills ’em dead, partner.

The guy sitting next to me smelled like he hadn’t taken a shower in a month. I won’t say what country he was from, but he wasn’t from mine. If this guy represents his nation, then our homeless smell like some countries’ businessmen. The question I have is, have flight attendants ever removed someone from a plane for emitting excessive body odor? Can an airline remove a passenger for this?

A smelly passenger can be removed if they are offensive to a lot of people. If they are offensive only to you, then you can demand to be reseated.

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If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Paolo at aviation@vyuz.com. If any of them are any good, he'll use them in his next column.