Interview

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Kim on Kim

A Vyuz interview with the leader of the People's Republic of North Korea

Pyongyang, North Korea--In this ultra-modern city with a dubious official population of over three million, something is lacking. Readily evident are the vast avenues, soaring glass towers and imposing edifices of official power. But absent is the ordinary hustle and bustle of a capitol city. Pyongyang is more movie set than metropolis. Its very opulence belies the emptiness of its corridors and the eerie silence of its atmosphere. One feels, perhaps correctly, that the city is built entirely of pretense.

We arrived here via a direct flight from Beijing and were met on the tarmack at the crumbling Pyongyang airport by several officials in modest black suits. Ours was the only aircraft visible. The officials hurriedly whisked us away and into the heart of the city. I doubt we passed a dozen cars over the ten-mile course of our trip.

We were delivered by way of a guarded rear entrance to the unmarked government building where we would meet the omnipotent leader of this strange land.

I was prepared to be confused. Kim Jong-il did not disappoint me.

Vyuz: Sir, you hold three official government titles: Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, and Chairman of the National Defense Commission of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. How does one address you?

Kim Jong-il: Call me “Mr. Chairman.”

Very well. Mr. Chairman, you are known to the West principally for your willingness to rattle your saber in the face of what would appear to be superior opposition. To be direct, yours is a frightening character on the world stage. Is this an accurate perception of your disposition toward advanced nations?

KJi: You are one of those reporters who enjoy waxing eloquent in your questioning. You probably do this out of a combination of vanity and insecurity in order to make yourself seem more erudite than your interview subjects, don’t you?

Actually, Mr. Chairman, I have never thought about it, but I think you are probably correct.

KJi: Well you, sir, are in my house now. So knock it off.

Yes, Mr. Chairman. I will re-phrase the question. Are you really the scary little monster that everyone in the world but you thinks that you are?

KJi: I am the son and heir of Kim Il-sung, the founder of this great nation, who wrested its independence from raiders to the north and imperialists to the south. Kim Il-sung was a peerlessly great man and so am I. I should mention that I can also play the violin.

Yes, Mr. Chairman. But your country is essentially severed from the rest of the world. You have virtually no exports, your natural resources are said to be almost fully depleted and the reports we get are that the majority of your people are battling starvation.

KJi: Is there a question in there?

No, Mr. Chairman, I was editorializing again. Here’s a question? What’s up with your hair?

KJi: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea will not be bullied by the Imperial United States and its war-mongering dictator, Emperor Bush. Kim Jong-il is not some Tony Blair, good-haired, running-dog, jack-booted capitalist lackey.

Mr. Chairman, under what circumstances would you consider using your alleged arsenal of nuclear weapons?

KJi: Kim Jonng-il is a peerlessly great man. Kim Jong-il has nuclear weapons. Kim Jong-il can play the violin. Kim Jong-il will do what Kim Jong-il wants and he will not warn anyone in advance. Kim Jong-il’s fiat is sufficient reason unto itself to do whatever Kim Jong-il determines is in the best interest of Kim Jong-il’s people.

I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman. Do you wish to speak of yourself in the third person for the remainder of this interview?

KJi: I did not realize I was doing that again. Kim Jong-il apologizes. Would American journalist like to hear a joke?

Very well, Mr. Chairman.

KJi: How do you get a North Korean girl pregnant?

I don't know. How?

KJi: You fuck her. [laughs]

Mr. Chairman, despite your posturing, there are those who speculate that you are actually intent on reaching out to the West, particularly to its tourist market, to shore up your nearly terminal economy. Is that so?

KJi: The Democratic People’s Republic has no intention of inviting the imperialist hordes to come to Pyongyang and spend copious amounts of tainted capitalist currency on its many fine dining establishments and bordellos.

Then why, Mr. Chairman, has your Ministry of Information tried to purchase advertising during half-time of Super Bowl XLI to promote your “Life’s Great North of the Thirty-Eight” campaign?

KJi: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has nuclear weapons.

Mr. Chairman . . .

KJi: Call me “His Royal Illness.”

I’m sorry, sir. I don’t think I can do that.

KJi: Then call me “The Kimshee.”

I really prefer to stick with “Mr. Chairman,” sir.

KJi: Spoil sport.

Mr. Chairman, I had hoped to use this interview to paint a clearer portrait of you for the American viewer. It was my intention to dig down to the geopolitical roots of the hedge that has grown up to separate our two people and to . . .

KJi: You’re getting a little wordy again.

I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman. What I meant was . . . [an aide enters the room and whispers something into the Chairman’s ear]

KJi: Kim Jong-il is very sorry, but this interview is over. Time for Oprah.