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Santa would have right of way if his reindeer caught fire over San Diego

By Rob Potochnik

December 5, 2005

Commercial airline pilot and Vyuz aviation expert Rob Potochnik answered reader questions while waiting for his luggage to arrive on a direct flight from Chicago.

Do you ever get anyone dressed as Santa Claus on your flights?

Yes. We also get the Easter Bunny, Captain Kangaroo and several of the Muppets. But honestly, I don’t think they fit well in the seats. They leave fur, hair and trails of dust everywhere. But what can you expect? They’ve been in storage for an entire year. I, personally, think they should dust off first.

Who has the right of way over San Diego, Santa Claus or you?

Well, it depends on whether he, his sleigh, or his reindeer are on fire. In that case, he’d be in distress and he would have the right of way. However, airplane engines are made so that if they catch fire, they drop off the plane. Santa, likewise, could drop a few reindeer and still fly OK.

So I’d have to flip a coin over this one. Here it goes! Kling! Spinning...still spinning...on the ground now, rolling...still rolling...wobbling...Well, looks like the Easter Bunny. Ah, wrong coin. Rats!

Has anyone asked you to find out the score of a ballgame while you were in flight?

All the time. We flip a coin and make one up. This way we get the last laugh.

Sometimes, though, air traffic control will be cooperative and tell us the score. We take that score, add 3, subtract 9, multiply by the inverse of the latter, and this is the score we provide you. We’re soon happy, laughing and full of fun—just like Southwest. Now you’re happy too, right! Hope you didn’t have any money on the game.

What's the nearest commercial airport that you guys could land at if there were a problem at SAN?

Miramar or the military one next door. In an emergency, we can do whatever we want, say whatever we want, get whatever we want, land anywhere—on or away from an airport. Basically, we’re gods in the air. After all, do you know how to save your life in the air? We do. Ho, HO, HOO!

Which is more screwed up, the city of San Diego or the airline industry?

Well, this would take a team of lawyers and several Las Vegas show girls to figure out. Personally, I would start interviewing the show girls then move to the lawyers, and end up studying the county jail and the indictment I’ve just been served. BUT, if I know the right people, I may get off scott free. You can donate to my future legal fund, by the way. I only accept pennies.

In general, how fast are planes going when they take off from SAN? How about when they land?

Taking off: (11 tiny reindeer) + (one large aluminum shell) = Not Fast Enough.

In-putting of one additional reindeer with red headlight (to cut the fog) and increase the thrust just enough to take off at 165 KTS, small aluminum shells (DC-10) may only need 8 reindeer or 120 KTS.

Landing: I do not know of any plane that has successfully landed, without injury, on top of any house. WAIT! I just thought of one. True story! The Aerial Sign Company in Hollywood, Florida, landed a plane on a house boat successfully…many times. Chalk one up to the skill of a banner tower—they are the best pilots!

Have you ever unwittingly delivered narcotics on one of your flights?

No, but some of our passengers have. True story:

Customs, big guy with dog, big dog….Dog sees lady, small lady, lots of bags. Dog (big feller) sniffs and sits down next to lady’s bags….Customs (big guy) asks if there is anything she would like to declare. Lady says no….Mind you she has about six big bags and several small ones. Customs looks at dog; dog looks at customs. Both look perplexed….Customs asks again. Lady sticks to story and says she has to go….Dog looks at customs; customs looks at dog, and both shake their heads….Customs tells lady, “We have to check your luggage.” Lady says, “No! I have to go now.”…Dog sniffs again, lies down, eyes closed, expecting a long discussion ahead….Customs scratches head brings in help (more customs) and off they all go, except the dog, which either fell asleep or was drugged from sniffing narcotics.

Do SAN-bound flights ever dip into Mexico? Do you need permission to fly over Tijuana?

Not really. If clouds are a problem, maybe. But aircraft would have a flight plan on file, so not any plane can fly over and back without permission. Think drugs and you can figure it out.

I wanted to ask out the flight attendant on my flight from Chicago to San Diego, but I couldn't do it without everyone listening to me. Any tips on asking out a flight attendant?

Yes! Several ways, just pick one:

(1) Stand in the isle and tell her very loudly that you want a date; (2) Write her a note, hand it to her, hope for the best; (3) Trip her when she goes down the isle and help her up. Tell her you saved her and she owes you one.

Rob Potochnik is a pilot for that airline with the seats that only go back six inches. If you have any questions about aviation or the airline industry, e-mail Rob at aviation@vyuz.com. He’ll try to provide honest answers to difficult questions, or at least pretend the questions were difficult.