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Commentary This Halloween, above all, do not go as Napolean Dynamite By Kate Kowsh October 10, 2005 San Diego--After the age of about fourteen or fifteen, the thought, “What am I going to be for Halloween?” morphs into, “Oh man…I gotta buy some candy for the trick-or-treaters.” This is, until a buddy invites you to his haunted house party and says you can’t take part in the pony keg debauchery unless you’re properly garbed. Fast forward to 1:30 p.m. on Halloween day, when you’re driving all over San Diego, looking for a Halloween store, trying, simultaneously to drive and think of a unique, funny, quirky, satirical costume idea that won’t be lame. It’s at this nadir of slimy Halloween misery, that most say, “Screw it,” grab some medical gauze, a red sharpie and, defeated, go with the old, exhausted stand-by…a mummy.
It’s best to avoid the following Halloween costume cliches. If you find yourself thinking, “Man that’d be a cool idea,” while reading the following list,…by God, snap out of it: A Ghost: The only props you’ll get from cutting holes in a bed sheet are the ones your friends have to muster from the depths of their unimpressed souls.Men Dressed as Woman: Maybe it’s because it provides a safe occasion for guys to try on heels and stockings, but it’s scary how quick they are to sport balloon cleavage and limp around in borrowed heels. Not only will there be at least one of these at every Halloween party, but having to watch a man who’s a little too eager to dress in drag is frankly, more than a little frightening. Napoleon Dynamite: I can just see this train wreck unfolding. Every guy who already sports his “Vote for Pedro” ringer T-shirt too much, will borrow some wide-rimmed, plastic glasses and, if he doesn’t already have curly hair, find a wig.Sweet baby Jesus. For the love of all that is good, boys, don’t do it. Your unimpressed friends probably already detest you for shooting off sound bytes from the movie every ten minutes. Don’t make matters worse by showing them how deep your twisted affinity for this movie is by dressing up like him for Halloween. Put down the portable tape deck, take off the snow boots and start thinking of something else. I mean it. A Vampiress: Yes, ladies, it’s nice to have an occasion to dress up in some slinky, black little thingy that makes every body part squeeze out of your clothes. And, if asked, every man will tell you it’s a great idea. But, it’s so been-done.. and done…and done.. and done before. The same can be said of Playboy bunnies, Tinker Bells and she-devils.Might I suggest a flapper, Tina Turner, or Madonna? It stills calls for a costume that allows the popping out of body parts, but it won’t summon bile to arise in the throats of other female partygoers who at the moment they spot you, will turn to their girls and say, “Oh look, how original…a vampire slut.” A Cowboy: With only hours until showtime, and the materials (a five gallon hat and some boots) already in your grasp, it may seem like the best—only—option for any Halloween joy this year. But, you might as well go to the party with a cardboard sign around your neck that says, “I’m an unoriginal dork who had nothing else to wear.” Harsh? Yes,…but truthful.On the flip side, if thought about early enough, one could sport a hell of a good costume. Why not? No sense in going through all the trouble if you’re not gonna do it well. Here are some good ones: A cup of tea: Grab a lampshade, some white suspenders, string, and some poster board. Write “Earl Grey” on the poster board, attach it to some string and hang it over the side of the lampshade. Fasten a handle to the side of the shade and wear it upside down, like a mini skirt.A Hot Air balloon:Take an old, round laundry basket and cut leg holes in the bottom. Place netting over an extremely large helium balloon and attach it to the rim of the basket. (Like the idea? I got it from www.costumeideazone.com) Devil in a Blue Dress: The answer to the hackneyed devil costume. If you’re just itching to utilize those horns already floating around from last year and probably the year before, throw on a blue dress and try this variation. Couple’s Costumes: Granted, if done wrong, this idea could go as horribly awry as couples who sport matching jumpsuits. Be sure to tread on this terrain with care. Think American Gothic couple, not Jack and Jill. The Combo Costume: Can’t decide between two costumes? Do ‘em both! Some classics: Rambo dressed as Barbie; Santa Claus dressed as Elvis If you’re still strapped for ideas, go to www.retrocrush.com. It’s packed to the gills with costume galleries. Whether you’re going to some Halloween house party or staying home to scare the neighborhood kiddies, be safe, have fun and for Halloween’s sake, don’t be tacky.
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