Despite an economy that’s slowed to a crawl, the nation’s immigrant population increased 4.3 million between 2000 and 2004. An estimated 50 percent are illegal, but no one can say for sure as it’s rarely the sort of information one volunteers.

Federal investigators were dismayed to learn of some local physicians doing their part to cut a few feet off of the bureaucratic red tape. Through bogus claims of mysterious ailments, patients were able to bypass the English and history tests that are the standard for citizenship applicants. So, with a complaint like “English pronouns give me psoriasis,” one can elude testing, and a new U.S. citizen is born. Let’s hope that such waivers are not given to immigrant doctors. Communication is never quite as crucial as when you’ve been diagnosed with a common cold and you find yourself being prepped for amputation.

Those who choose not to learn the language are putting themselves at a disadvantage. Failure to understand the language probably also means failure to understand that they’re being ripped off. Should they understand that they’re being ripped off, they’re in no position to complain about it.

If you keep the uneducated out of the classrooms, they’ll work for you. If you keep providing work, they’ll see no need to enter the classroom. This is just another example of the glorious circle of life. They’ll remain at the bottom of the food chain, but they won’t know any better. In California in 2004, 37.4 percent of immigrants (18 and over and legal or otherwise) didn’t have a high school diploma and 46.9 per cent were in or near poverty.

Now, that’s what I call quality living. And grateful children get to reap the benefits of an education provided in congested class rooms, returning home to another monstrous apartment structure in another over-developed landscape. Then it’s playtime. And nothing is quite as heartwarming as watching impoverished children tossing a ball around a parking lot or playing hide and seek in a trash heap. Don’t be too discouraged if you couldn’t make your annual voyage to a banana republic. If you can’t get to the third world, the third world will surely come to you.

Vicente Fox isn’t sweating the loss of tourism dollars. It’s more profitable if his citizens get over the border and earn money to wire back home. Luckily, by loosening ID requirements, enterprising companies like Bank of America and Wells Fargo are making it easier for the citizenship-challenged to give them their business. Strange, when I needed a bank account they required 15 pieces of ID along with urine, blood and stool samples and a 1,500-word essay on the merits of checking over savings accounts with footnotes and a bibliography.

When illegals aren’t doing their banking, they can occasionally be found being deported “on their own recognizance” which, in layman’s terms means, “Cross your heart and promise that you’ll go back to your country and we’ll let you go.” The “catch and release” policy was effective in allowing 85 percent of illegals to remain here after removal of the fish hook and a few token photos taken to show the buddies back home.

So, effectively, it’s alright to be here illegally as long as you’re quiet about it. Ply illegal immigrants with empty threats of banishment to keep them terrified. They may not understand you when you tell them their house is on fire,but the word deportation rings out loud and clear.

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